September 2, 2014

NINJA TERMINATOR


The End of Summer (TEOS): Do you know the name Godfrey Ho? Well, you should (if you like bullshit) – he of the films Undefeatable (housing the greatest fight scene of all time), Robo Vampire, with which the Two Guys team has already tussled, and other fun-titled films like The Trouble-Solving Broker, Inferno Thunderbolt, and, for the love of god, The Magnificent Wonderman, which I believe is my life story. (I say this last part with a dickhead grin as I make a jerk-off motion to a picture of your mom.)

Well, motherfuckers, Ho-Man, the Master of the Universe himself, also directed another piece of shit. Its title is Ninja Terminator, which (I guess) takes two of my favorite things and smashes them together: ninjas, and the thing James Cameron ripped off before he ripped off Dances with Wolves for Avatar. (If that made you angry, mission accomplished, fuck.)

Brief Googling explains that Ho actually made a habit of taking random footage and splicing it together into a “cohesive narrative,” but it’s really easy to put things in quotes that you especially don’t mean.

Brett Ratner is a “filmmaker.”

I don’t “mind” Imagine Dragons.

Exploitation Movie Review (EMR): Ha! Yeah, I “don’t” jerk off to the “models” on DeviantArt…

...wait...

TEOS: Starring Richard Harris(on) and *coughJamescough* Chan, Ninja Terminator opens with a rather strange (and erotic) rip-off of the Columbia Pictures logo, of all things. I guess since the Terminator moniker was already being ripped-off with all the subtlety of Kanye West, they figured, “Let’s just rip off a studio logo because we’re the best!”

EMR: And the opening musical cue to Star Wars: A New Hope. That’s the one where Harrison Ford breaks his ankle and Adam Driver looks like someone took a blowtorch to the mouse from The Tale of Despereux, right?

TEOS: Yeah, you know? Adam Driver does suck. Anyone even tenuously connected to Lena Dunham likely does by default.

So, a fun game I like to play during the opening credits is to take the names of certain individuals and rearrange them to form a sentence. For instance, take the assistant director, add the guy with the story credit, and then you get “Warren See Jimmy Poon,” or grab a couple actors’ names and end up with “Jonathan, Wattis Jason Wang?” Or “Chung Chuen Jason Wang.” Wanna go for three? “Ralph Mak Jason Wang Anthony Chow.” And other things racially insensitive toward Asian heritage. (P.S.: Sometimes the names work by themselves. “Kent Hung!” Okay, I’m done.)

(“Arthur Wu Hyman Lee.”)

EMR: (Disclaimer) If you or any of your family are suffering from mental health issues like my friend here, there are a tonne of useful numbers knocking around on the Internet. Plus, if you’re really racially insensitive, just join that Westboro Baptist Church thing. I hear they have cake. They probably don’t, to be fair. They probably think cake is gay. Man, they’re fucking crazy.

TEOS: Me, too. About CAKE.

EMR: This title sequence is really fucking strange. Some guys from the props department have obviously been asked to find whatever shit they can that ‘looks ninja’ and arrange it on a black backdrop, but one of them is clearly on work experience because he’s paired up sai blades with standard issue police handcuffs.

*sigh* Man, is this some sort of dominatrix sex fuck flick? I’m getting pretty tired of you linking me to stuff that’s as arousing as those models on DeviantArt that I mentioned earlier. Of to which I DO NOT jerk off...of to which I jerk off not..wait, how the hell do you finish that sentence without a preposition? Did you know that whole rule is bullshit? Like seriously, it’s bullshit. I read about it.

I don’t jerk off to DeviantArt.

TEOS: Ending a sentence with a preposition is tantamount to letting your lover snowball you. Yeah, I said it. Picture some dumbass in a restaurant calling over his waitress and saying, “Yo, can I get some forks to eat these pancakes with?” That’s just as revolting as seeing one human being spit semen into another’s mouth. Next thing I know, that turd’ll be saying, “I should of just eaten those pancakes with my hands.”

God. COME ON.

EMR: You are a cruel and unusual man.

TEOS: This group of ninjas are apparently in the midst of gathering around their leader, Main Ninja, who laughs with an echo and looks way too much like Danny Trejo. Some mystical monkey statue (?) apparently when assembled offers up “supreme power,” and Main Ninja proves this by doing a bunch of bullshit with his hands and then demanding his own ninjas attack him, and they do, and their blades bounce off Main Ninja’s body like it ain’t no thang. A blond Powers Boothe is all about this supreme power, so he and a bunch of his ninja traitors steal the statue and fuck off from the land of billowing scarves and offensive Pier 1 Import Japanese decor.

EMR: Holy fuck! Do you think you can buy those paper lanterns with ninja print on them at Sears or wherever? Why the hell do they have them, anyway? Visitors probably wouldn’t struggle to recognise this as a ninja palace. I didn’t. Though the lanterns might be to thank for that. Yeah, forget I said anything about them.

TEOS: If someone went into that room when the ninjas weren’t home, the lanterns would let that person immediately know he was in a ninja den. And I’d want to know something like that as soon as fucking possible.

The store that sold these lanterns knows more about ninjas
than anyone associated with this movie.

EMR: Anyway, you got Danny Trejo from the head ninja? I was thinking he looks like Billy Dee Williams. Which one of us is the more racist?

TEOS: Probably me, because I hate Danny Trejo. Who could hate Billy Dee Williams? A preposition-ending, snowballing semen sipper, that’s who.

EMR: Or J.J. Abrams, because Billy Dee is the only member of the original cast who hasn’t been asked to come back for Episode VII.

I knew there was something I didn’t like about that fucking weasel.

TEOS: So…"Lost" wasn’t enough? Or Super 8? Or offering multiple opportunities for that weird-looking kid from Alpha Dog to be anywhere near a screen that is anywhere near me?

EMR: The only paranormal phenomena I experienced from watching Super 8 was the sudden and strange disappearance of my attention span. Plus, another joke about how Abrams sucks.

TEOS: Kubrick must be somewhere grinning like a jerk-off, because these ninjas are tearing ass unnaturally fast around their own ninjatorium, courtesy of the sped-up film, and god damn if they don’t run down every set of steps in all of fucking Japan.

EMR: I think they only stole the idol because King Ninja hurt Powers Boothe’s feelings by laughing at him when he attacked him with a sword. That’s an interesting bit of character development. I’m going to see how much of the remainder of this film is emotionally motivated due to that instance of ego bruising.

TEOS: I tell you what: “supreme power” must be, like, achieving top ninja status, because these assholes are knocking each other off to possess this thing! Also, don’t ninjas ever just wear normal clothes and relax around the homestead, or are ninjas always dressed as ninjas?

EMR: I’m really stuck trying to work out who has the higher ninja status. Is it the red ninjas or the black ones who stole the idol? Seems to me that if you’re at the same ninja palace, you should really be learning the same skills and if you’re not keeping up with the rest, you probably shouldn’t be there. This whole thing smacks of some sort of Gattaca-style ninja society. King Ninja was saying that it was the twentieth anniversary of their ninja empire, so, if there is a ninja class system, does that mean this is like M. Night Shyamalan’s The Village? Is there going to be a shitty twist ending?! This movie’s only 7 minutes and 30 seconds in?!

FUCK!

TEOS: Oh my god, this fucking poorly-framed scene:

“The dirt mound isn’t in the shot, is it?”
“Get off my fucking back, Ho.”

TEOS: And all the while, the coffin-dweller’s brother just blurts out every fucking “what if?” theory rattling around in his head about the reasoning behind his brother’s death. It just keeps going...and going...and going.

EMR: That WAS pretty fucking stupid, though.

It’s two years later, the three traitors have apparently split the idol up between them, and this guy’s brother was doing the little stock market exchange hand dance like Cameron in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, thinking it’d save his ass from the red ninjas? It’s OBVIOUSLY not going to work like that. (It better not work like that.)

You’re right though, this guy sounds like Lenny from Of Mice and Men.

“Do you think he was hiding something? Do you think he was involved in drugs or smuggling or Triad activity? Do you think he ever managed to find out what was making that ringing noise in his apartment or do you think it was early onset of tinnitus? Do you think he really liked the wine rack I bought him for Christmas or do you think he was just saying that he did, to be nice?”

TEOS: This must be an all-time record, because we’re 10:22 into this thing and I have no fucking idea what’s going on. I mean, I guess this is what happens when you take all kinds of footage and copy/paste it together with all the skill of a Gudger College student, but still: work with me here. There’s just so much to comment on that it all kind of collides with each other into a mish-mash of drunk talk. And WHAT is WITH this FUCKING Asian dude in the suit and WOMAN’s blond wig?! What room is he in right now?! Someone’s talking to him, but, he’s just sitting there, down on one knee, in a far back corner! Something about that dead guy’s body? They need the dead guy’s..body?

I...I think I need to sit down.

“My question is for Hillary Clinton.”

EMR: Jesus suffering fuck, is that Brian Jones? This white guy wants the body of the ninja who’s just been killed...he’s making Brian Jones “force” the body from the dead guy’s family...yeah, I don’t know if he’s aware of how burials work, but as soon as your ass is in the ground, the family don’t really ‘own’ it anymore. Oh, ok. They don’t want his body. They want the idol. Glad we’ve got that cleared up and this isn’t some sort of Jap Burke and Hare.

TEOS: Come on, dude, I DARE you to tell me what’s going on. Start with the ninja’s private light show.

EMR: Ha! I’d rather start with Powers Boothe’s new ‘camo-garb’/’Forest moon of Endor’ ninja get-up. He’s cutting fuck into a watermelon to keep his skills sharp (remember: it’s been two years since this guy saw any ninja action), which I’m not sure is the best employment of his skills and now I’m laughing because I really wanted the camera to pull up to reveal a bowl of fresh fruit salad in place of the whole watermelon that was there before.

And there you are, there’s the answer to your question: yes, ninjas wear regular people clothes in their off hours, BUT they must ALWAYS be polishing their sword so that their stupid bitch wives don’t get confused and mistake them for kitchen utensils. My GOD, I have never been more embarrassed, Susan. You made me look like a FUCKING asshole, today...

Hey, Powers Boothe also looks like Chuck Heston.

“If I’m polishing it, I sure as shit don’t want you to blunt the
fucking thing making me a ham on rye, you dumb bitch.”

TEOS: Wow, that’s fucked up. That crab didn’t do shit, and this Powers Boothe-looking motherfucker heaves a throwing star into it? I hope someone on set at least ate it afterward.

EMR: Well, shit, it’s not at Cannibal Holocaust levels of animal cruelty, but at the very least those turtles died for something, even if it was only to be a part of an infamous movie-culture milestone. This poor fucking crab died for what? So that two assholes could sit in their underwear 29 years in the future, brush Cheeto debris off their keyboards, and make a sarcastic comment that only ten people are going to read? You got a fucking raw deal there, my crustacean friend.

TEOS: I don’t eat Cheetos. I eat cake. ‘Member earlier, when I said I was crazy about ca–

EMR: It’s round about here that we’re introduced to a guy called Jaguar Wong. I don’t really care what his job description is because he sounds like a tits idea for a Manga cartoon about a lawyer that turns into a robot eagle or something. You’re probably asking yourself why he doesn’t turn into a robot jaguar, but this is all purely hypothetical and pursuing that line of questioning kinda makes you look like an asshole.

He’s called Powers Boothe to tell him that his ninja buddies are dead, I think. He goes looking for the restaurant that Mechiko owns, but gets assaulted by three kids playing catch in the middle of the road. There’s zero reason for them to attack him. I don’t think they’re integral to the plot. It’s as random and stupid an act of violence as stopping someone in the street, asking them the time, and then that person killing everyone you’ve ever known called ‘Steve.’

TEOS: Jaguar Wong eventually makes it inside the restaurant of the deceased’s sister, Mechiko, but instead wanders onto the set of The Sting as music by Scott Joplin tinkles across the screen. He tries to convince her that she’s in danger following the death of her two brothers, Tomishio and Ykaza (doing my best with the spelling here, bro) and she seems pretty dismissive of this, so instead he grabs his belt and kind of thrusts his groin toward her, thinking this would go over better.

She never even looks at him.

Take that, Jaguar Wong.

EMR: His line of questioning is the strangest fucking thing I think I’ve ever heard. This poor bus boy just does not know how to react to ‘What I’m looking for isn’t on the menu. Is Mechiko on it?!’

Just...just fucking ask the guy politely.
Busboy: Can I get you anything, sir?
Jaguar: Have you ever kissed a guy?
Busboy: ...I’m sorry, sir?
Jaguar: A guy. Have you ever kissed a guy? On the mouth?
Busboy: Well...I, err...
Jaguar: I bet you fucking have, but I’ll bet you’ve never kissed the girl I’m looking for called Mechiko, because she’s a girl and the only girls you kiss are guys, right
Busboy: I’m sorry, sir, I...
Jaguar: Just go and get me Mechiko and try not to kiss any fucking guys while you’re doing it.
TEOS: Okay, so, we’re twenty minutes in and I feel like I have to genuinely apologize. Because I’m an impulsive asshole who doesn’t do adequate research beyond “haha, that title is gold,” I wrongly assumed that Ninja Terminator would have some kind of robot subplot. I...don’t think that’s going to happen. I think we’re going to have just a band of regular ninjas, and maybe one super-strong ninja.

Sorry…

EMR: Hey, man it’s cool. I’m kind of entertaining myself by trying to come up with a backstory for Jaguar Wong, but I’m not on nearly enough Ketamine to adequately describe why random people in the fucking street keep attacking him for the most innocuous of reasons. Life for Jaguar Wong must be a total nightmare. Dudes are squaring up to him for apologising to them, so they must put out a fucking fatwa or whatever it is every time he tells someone that that was his parking space and he’d been waiting for it for three straight minutes, buddy.

A gay joke about how this dude is gay for Jaguar Wong and
wants to full on gay-marry him the end.

TEOS: This is too ridiculous. Red Ninja sneaks into the empty home of Powers Boothe to find this fucking golden ninja warrior, and then Powers Boothe walks nonchalantly into his place a couple minutes later, and we the audience, because we have zero brains and eat Taco Bell of our own volition, dumbly assume that this street-clothed Powers Boothe fella is about to have his head cut off. But we’d be wrong, because he fucking teleports into his camoflauge ninja garb INSTANTLY, complete with those pointy things Raphael used.

I’m having a fantastic time.

EMR: Speaking of the search for the golden ninja wonder warrior idol, nothing says ‘trained,’ ‘ninja,’ ‘elite,’ or indeed, ‘tension’ quite like taking a quick peek inside someone’s cupboards just on the off-chance the statue is there. Dude, this is a relic of phenomenal ninja power. It’s not a fucking ceramic cat that he feels bad for just throwing away when he can re-gift it at Christmas, or a friggin' A4 ring binder with all his car insurance paperwork inside.

I’m somehow not as bowled over by him being able to immediately beam into his camo-ninja outfit as I am by him being able to rapidly apply that fruity fucking guy-liner all the ninjas seem to be wearing.

TEOS: Have we mentioned the Garfield phone yet? If not...I think we should.

EMR: We have not! Huh...how the hell did THAT one slip us by?

“Soon, my pet. Soon you shall really offset the decor of this
apartment and contradict everything previously established
about my idiom.”

TEOS: One thing I will say about Ninja Terminator, unironically, is the fight scenes are definitely awesome and show off a lot of skill, energy, and enthusiasm, but they exist in such a tremendous piece of shit which surrounds those fight scenes that, you know, I’ll now add in a profanity-laden collection of prefixes, suffixes, somewhat offensive hyperbole, and then end with a righteous Kill Bill condemnation. C’mon, have you watched Kill Bill recently? It’s fucking terrible.

EMR: I struggled here because I kept writing out all these insults about Tarantino and how he wishes he were black and that his writing is so bad that people think it’s supposed to be ironic and that they’re too embarrassed to admit publicly that his movies are just self-congratulatory pieces of shit and he hasn’t been interesting or even vaguely original since the mid-nineties and Inglorious Basterds was fucking boring and if he was really as talented as people say he is then why is he hanging around with that hack-chud Eli Roth and if he likes talking so much then why does he never add commentary tracks to his DVDs, when really, all I should have said is, "Huh, yeah, Tarantino can eat my asshole. I’ll even hand him a spoon."

TEOS: I hate Eli Roth more than you hate Tarantino. Every time I see him appear in anything, I turn to whomever might be beside me and ask, “Why?”

EMR: Why's it gotta be a competition with you all the time? Our hate tastes so much better when it's combined.

Try and imagine me saying that like a slightly effeminate Bond villain.

TEOS: Don’t be angry with me <3.

From what I can gather, if you’re a red ninja, you’re good, if you’re a black ninja, you’re bad, and if you’re a camouflage ninja, you’re the fucking meanest, crab-killing dude who ever rocked a throwing rod.

“Of course I can do it without looking.”
“Well, not the pointy part.”
“Shut it.”

EMR: I’m hazily recollecting all the trouble I had trying find my ‘Endor Assault Han Solo’ action figure’s blaster when I lost it in the garden. Bizarrely, it was way easier to find than Tygra from Thundercats’ bolas, a much larger accessory for a much larger action figure, which I lost up a tree. He had this spring-action arm movement which you could trigger by flicking a switch on his back and the fucking thing went flying into this fir...never found it.

TEOS: I used to hide cut-out pictures from porno magazines behind my lightswitch plate. It’s where those kids on "Dragnet" used to hide their acid.

Is that the same thing?

EMR: Erm…



No?

TEOS: I also like this idea of taking ninjas and fully exposing them so that they become ridiculous. From what I know about ninjas, they are highly disciplined and highly trained individuals who can sneak into your house, kill you, kill your cat, knock up your wife, polish off the leftovers in the fridge, make fresh food to replace those leftovers, clean out your cache, and then fuck off without anyone ever knowing they were there, and in about the length of time it takes for a Kardashian to get married and divorced. But instead, in Ninja Terminator, we get to see everything from the ninja vantage point, so seeing these guys break in through unlocked patio doors, tumble across beds, and then hug the wall as they slowly and unnecessarily sneak down steps just makes them look totally unimpressive and painfully silly.

Shinzu: The Ostentatious Ninja

EMR: Jaguar Wong is being assaulted again. On the beach this time. He’s developed a new power to run alongside his already impressive skill of being able to turn into a robot hawk in that when he’s kicking someone’s ass, he has the power to repeat the last blow struck.

Ok, you could argue that it’s just shitty editing, but again, you’re just coming across like a complete dick.

TEOS: Just clarifying: Jaguar Wong IS the good guy, right? Because besides all the ass-kicking he’s been doing, he keeps hitting on fucking girls and pointing his junk at them while doing the George W. Bush snivel-laugh and I just can’t help but fucking hate him.

The loud gum smacking doesn’t help.

Okay, he just mouth-raped that girl. Let’s call this for what it is: the fact that she was into it saved him from being a total degenerate.

Mouth rape. It just happened.

EMR: Ok, that’s put my mind at rest because I thought I could detect something sexually aggressive about him, too, and it wasn’t the car chase after Imelda Marcos that tipped me off. You know when he was kicking that guy’s ass on the beach? Well, there’s a truly alarming piece of dialogue that the guy in the white suit comes out with. He’s beaten, humiliated and he meekly states, “Yes, yes. You’re the best.” I was kind of expecting that scene to conclude with Jaguar Wong silently unzipping his pants, and telling that guy to suck his dick while he laughs and says, “What? You think this makes ME gay? YOU’RE the one with the dick in your mouth, princess.”

TEOS: It’s official: I hate the film’s protagonist. Fucking hate him. From here till the end, totally rooting for the bad guy who looks like Powers Boothe/my father circa 1978.

EMR: Wait, is Powers Boothe/Chuck Heston/Your Dad the bad guy? I’m thinking of the right person, right? The one in the sports casual gear who wears the camo smock?

TEOS: I mean...yeah. He killed a crab, and he looks real mean. I could be wrong. I often am. After all, I paid to see three Pirates of the Caribbean films in theaters.

EMR: Oh, hang on a fucking second, this is getting sex-y. Mmmm, taking a girl’s panties off with your feet. I don’t mind telling you: I am rock hard and crowning right now.

TEOS: I don’t know if it’s intentional, or a supreme lack of money, or if I’m just a racist asshole, but I think Jaguar Wong keeps fighting the same dudes over and over, only each time, there’s one more dude added to the fight roster with whom he has to contend. I want to believe it’s the former, where his enemies are just really tenacious and don’t want to admit defeat, but I’m kinda thinking it’s the latter, where I’m an asshole. (Plus, I am TOTALLY going to LOL at this one Asian dude who’s been overdubbed by someone two empty beer cans removed from Jeff Foxworthy. I mean...give me a trailer-door-oilin’ break.)

“OMG! It’s Ken Wattanabe!”
(Note to Self: this is a great title for a TV show.)

EMR: Jeff Foxworthy?! The host of Fox’s ‘Are You Smarter than a Pig-Fucking Yokel Dipshit’?! Anyway, FUCK that noise; did you see Asian James Franco in the scene before this?

*sigh* We’re both going to a bad place when we die, aren’t we?

TEOS: Pakistan?

These body-blow sound effects are just the tops. They don’t sound remotely close to flesh on flesh, but more like someone smashing a broomstick against an inflatable pool whale. Every time I hear that hollow BOOM sound, I briefly wonder if yet another Moonbounce is floating away into the sky, complete with Mr. Fletcher’s third-grade class, while some asshole films it with his iPhone and sells the footage to Arianna Huffington.

EMR: The body-blow sound effects really reminded me of something that I couldn’t quite put my finger on, but then it hit me: they sound like a t-shirt cannon firing one-size-fits-all Moo-Moo’s at Wing Bowl attendees.

TEOS: YES! It’s 39:25 and we officially have our robot!!


TEOS: Oh my god, it’s a message robot. Someone programmed a message into that robot and sent it to Powers Boothe. The robot is actually talking in a semi-robot voice in between all the robot circuitry noises and flashing claw-lights. I’m...in awe. I’m in love with everything about this.

“I believe you’ve received the ninja death message from our ninja empire!” says Jaguar to Powers Boothe on his motherfuckin’ GARFIELD PHONE. He demands the return of the golden ninja warrior, or else. But it doesn’t matter to me right now. You have no idea how happy that thing with the robot made me.

Dear god, that was fucking absurdly priceless. I picture one of two scenarios having just occured: 1) Jaguar Wong dispatched that robot all the way from the ninja headquarters, and that robot traversed some city streets and maybe a cab ride, or 2) Jaguar Wong left the robot outside Powers Boothe's door and ran away giggling like an asshole to follow up with a taunting phone call about it.

Either way, I win, because robots.

EMR: I’m curious; do you feel that this is any better or any worse than the owl from Clash of the Titans?

TEOS: I’d say it’s a million times better than the owl from Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2. Does...that even count as an answer?

EMR: Erm…



Yes.

TEOS: This robot seems to be visiting all of the ninja traitors responsible for the theft of the golden ninja warrior, and as you can probably imagine, I have a serious case of the joys.

EMR: If Asian James Franco was going to call him on his Garfield phone anyway, then why–

You know what, I’m not going to spoil this moment for you. I can tell that it means a lot.

TEOS: Thanks.

“Fuck you, asshole.”

TEOS: Say, I have another fun game we can play. It’s called: Guess The Main Fucking Villain. Because I think the count is up to five people who seem to be calling the shots for the bad guys. That more than includes the one dude in the woman’s wig; I miss him more than the robot.

EMR: Jag U R Wong keeps talking about someone called Tiger? Is it a person called ‘Tiger’ or is it an actual Tiger? I don’t know if this movie’s going to be able to pull off the latter.

There’s some kind of exchange going on between J’g U’war Wng and these other guys and there’s a big reveal that it’s him in a trench coat and now they’re fighting...I’ll level with you: at this stage, I really don’t give a fuck anymore. I’m just here for the dick jokes, although I will say this if you’re interested: this fight scene has more mugs-per-second than your average Jackie Chan flick.

A quick rundown of events which are transpiring in an order which is forcing me to consider drinking again:
  • Jizwheel Kaboom has taken one of the guys from the fight hostage and is keeping him at his place until he finds out ‘the truth’ (and I strongly suspect ‘the truth’ is that ‘Jaguar Wong is a predatory homosexual’).
  • Lynx Clang has gone to Mechiko’s birthday party? There’s been a blackout and Mechiko is now missing? No one noticed that the guest of honour was missing despite her standing at the head of the fucking table before the blackout happened?
  • Immediately following this major plot revelation, Jamming Bong returns to his apartment with a huge smile on his face and reveals that his sex slave is being kept behind a jacket in his wardrobe.
  • At an expensive looking inner-city office block, two girls are talking about how swimsuits can be both practical and multi-functional.
  • Oh, by the way, coming up with new names for Jaguar Wong is the new game I’m playing while we watch this.
TEOS: Wait a minute. WAIT A MINUTE. WHO ARE VICTOR AND LILY. WHAT’S GOING ON. DID I LOAD BACK INTO THE WRONG MOVIE. THEY ARE GETTING MARRIED. THEY WANT CHILDREN. THEY ARE ANTI-JAGUAR WONG. I UNDERSTAND NOTHING.

EMR: Pictures of Lily? Ohhhh, Victor and Lily! Yeah, Lily’s the chick who he chased down in that car earlier on I think. I don’t know. I don’t really care. Lots of shit’s happened inbetween the suitcase exchange fight and this seedy hotel room where Victor is telling Lily that he can’t get the idea of Jaguar’s Wong out of his mind. I...just don’t care. There haven’t been nearly enough dick jokes to maintain my interest.

TEOS: I’m worried, man. I don’t remember who any of these people are. Have we met them yet? Or are my racist colors showing yet again?

Although this random scene with these random characters does end with Victor full-on cupping Lily’s naked tit before he even leans in for the kiss, so that’s pretty sweet.

And now sex is happening.

Hmm...I wonder if they’ll have to blur out the cock part of this scene, like how they do with other Japanese por–

Oh.

Uh… Right.

Well, it’s out there now. I’ll own it.

I watch Japanese porn.

EMR: During your misadventures involving the aforementioned Japanese porn, did you ever come across (hurhurhur) any of the male performers looking like they were trying to fuck through a heart attack? Because that’s AAAAAALL over Victor’s face during what I’m loosely calling the ‘love scene.'

TEOS: I have, actually, Every performer in every Japorn I’ve ever seen has looked really upset to be there - especially the women. They’re about one cemetery-occupying Justin Bieber away from sobbing uncontrollably.

You know, leave it to me to pick right back up on this movie while I’m at work the same time that Ninja Terminator wants to throw aside all the ninja espionage and become a really unsettling skin flick. You know how Prism used to edit out all the cocks and vagina close-ups of hardcore pornography and show them late at night? Ninja Terminator took those edited porno films and cut out even more, so what we’re left with is tit-obscuring arms and the slow removal of pantyhose. There’s nothing here even remotely fap material, so now I’m just bored.

Even if this guy DOES have a heart condition, he’s making fucking
this chick look like he’s trying to take a straightjacket off a
store-front mannequin. In the dark.

EMR: Like any self respecting man, I fucking HATE seeing the face of the guy in a porn movie, but I can at least comfort myself knowing that he’s suitably un-dressed for the occasion. Victor’s still got his fucking turtleneck on and it’s really pissing me off for some reason. That’s now a total of three things he’s doing in this scene that I never do during sex: 1) Leave my clothes on, 2) Look like I’m having a heart attack, and 3) Be sincere about my feelings.

TEOS: Huh. So, Jaguar Wong was captured. I...guess I missed that.

EMR: Yeah, it happened. And the guy who he had locked up in his wardrobe went from being dubbed by a generi-American to Requin from Tango & Cash. It’s at 52:55. Go ahead, I’ll wait...

TEOS: Need another game? Try to hold your breath for as long as this whole back-and-forth exchange about the cigarette goes on.

See you in your coffin.

EMR: That’s got to be one of the strangest conventions in movie-world: lighting a cigarette, taking two drags and then dropping the fucking thing on the floor. Man, I smoke and even if I dropped my cigarette in a pile of dogshit after two tokes, I’d pick the peanuts and matted hair off the filter and carry on smoking that fucking thing rather than see it go to waste.

TEOS: Following Jaguar’s ball-squeezing escape from his captors, Hillary Clinton is PISSED and Victor’s in deep shit. Senator Clinton mentions cutting off another of Victor’s fingers. I guess that...happened already? Why don’t I remember an Asian man dressed as Hillary Clinton cutting off the finger of another man? I’m really worried about my memory, man. I feel like that guy from Memento – you know, Ned Ryerson.

EMR: It happened right after Jugular Wham wore that trench coat during the suitcase exchange fight. Someone called Hillary Clinton Chemo Wig on the phone and he chastised one of his men for allowing Jagged Wang to infiltrate their operation. I’m surprised you don’t remember it, seeing as how the ‘I’m very disappointed in you’ speech went on for so long that I was considering hacking off one of MY fingers just so I could feel something again.

TEOS: That joy-bringing robot is back, hand-delivering VHS tapes to Powers Boothe. “Come look at this!” his girlfriend is right to exclaim, because this is likely the greatest thing that has happened, and will happen, to her, or me. What’s on that VHS tape, however, is grainy footage of a woman lashed to a pillar and being whipped and tortured by a group of men. So, really, it’s a Nick Palumbo film, only better.

EMR: No time for watching Brett Ratner's home video collection, Dr. Jones.

TEOS: Dude, I’m serious. I have no idea if Powers Boothe is good or bad. I was pretty sure he was bad. I mean, he stole that ninja doll. Then he hurt a crab. But now he looks way concerned for Mechiko’s well-being. AND HE HAS A GARFIELD PHONE. So I haven’t a fucking clue.

EMR: Sorry. Totally distracted by the production quality of this torture video. Yeah, I know what you mean and I admire you for trying to make sense out of this screaming turd, but I’d given up a long time ago, and just like Dr. Gonzo, I’m only along for the ride now.

TEOS: So...Jaguar Wong has kidnapped Lily, that chick Victor was all knobbing on, and then beat the shit out of her helpful butler. Good guy...right?

EMR: Well, given that Powers Boothee had called Jinseng Wachowski a little earlier and asked him to kidnap Lily because he’d just seen a video of the kind of porn Jeremy Piven watches to get angry, you’d think that if he really was a good guy, he’d have a) tried to rescue Mechiko when he escaped, and b) mentioned it to Powers Boothe in the first place.

“Awh, shit, man! I was just there fo’real! Yeah, it was alllll fucked up.”

What’s this arrogant fuck’s fucking problem?

TEOS: This is the most casual kidnapping I’ve ever seen.

EMR: Or the most extreme case of stalking you’ve ever seen. Without the benefit of a backstory, this would just look like Jaguar Wong will go to literally ANY length to bang this chick again. Fuck, even WITH the backstory, I kinda think Jaguar Wong would do this just to get laid.

TEOS: This exchange just happened:
Professor: This bomb is as powerful as the others, and with a remote control.
Hillary Clinton: But will it blow my enemies up?
Come on, Hillary Clinton. Don’t get involved in murder and mayhem if you don’t fucking understand the basic mechanics.

Speaking of not understanding basic mechanics:

Directing.

EMR: ...this Professor looks like Edward James Olmos. Oh, and you won’t have noticed this because you’re the kinda guy who likes to get laid, but they’ve used sections of James Horner’s soundtrack to The Wrath Of Khan, like, twice now. Either Paramount Pictures have never known about this infringement of copyright laws or they just did not give a single fuck about it.

TEOS: While I am the kind of guy who does, indeed, like to get laid, don’t fool yourself into thinking it happens all that often. Probably because I’m too busy listening to James Horner’s other famous score, Commando, and wondering why, to him, steel drums = militaristic mutilation.

I don’t intend on praising this film, but these dudes are doing all these crazy fight scenes pretty close to the edge of that cliff. That’s kinda ballsy.

EMR: ...why did they put Mechiko in disguise, again? The only reason I can think of is because they wanted the audience to be surprised when it turned out that it wasn’t Mechiko who they released. Do they know they’re being watched? The notion that Godfrey Ho has dared to go meta has made me angry.

TEOS: Powers Boothe has been challenged to meet at Devil’s Rock. So understandably he immediately strips down and goes into his special jackin’ room with a bunch of candles and swishes his sword a bunch of times in the air. To prepare for the challenge, you see…

EMR: Has his vapid whore of a wife EVER known that this is his thing? To be honest, she looks like the sort of woman who’d give herself a headache trying to work out how they put a chicken inside an egg without breaking it.

TEOS: You’d think by this robot’s third appearance I’d finally be all blasé about it.

Get fucked, Wrong Boy!

EMR: This dude gets an express delivery of a new VHS from the Ninja Empire, and more baffling than wondering why they always feel the need to send 7-minute promotional videos to their victims, is why he takes his top off to watch it. This one’s about ritual suicide and they’ve employed an actress to actually kill herself just in case he doesn’t know what hari-kari is. I swear there’s more jokes in this 30-second scene than there are in the entire movie.

TEOS: WHOA WHOA WHOA. WAIT A MINUTE. DID WE JUST HEAR THE TITLE?

“I AM THE NINJA TERMINATOR!”

Who is?!

EMR: I don’t know, but this guy had the right idea all along, because right after the disembodied voice on the video says it, he just turns the fucking thing off like he’s won a game of Atmosfear.

TEOS: We’re thirteen minutes away from the end and we find out Jaguar Wong works for Interpol. Anything else you want to cram in at the zero hour, movie?

EMR: I’m not seeing any I.D. so I don’t believe him. I wouldn’t believe him even if I saw I.D. You have to remember: this is a guy who will chase you down and get into a fender bender if he thought it stood him the chance of getting a blow job.

TEOS: Did these guys end up at a water park?

On second thought, shut the fuck up me. We’re nearly done.

I bet Tiger Chen is embarrassed to have tried the high-kick on Jaguar Wong, who ducked below it roughly seventeen times in a row. Good on you for not giving up, Chen!

EMR: Waves crashing against the shore...that’s movie symbolism for ejaculating, isn’t it? Tiger’s taken his Hillary Clinton wig off, as well. I’m guessing that’s because Jaguar Wong prefers brunettes. I don’t know. I’m so bored that I’m picking up where I left off with the ‘gay’ motif.

TEOS: I feel like since is the final fight scene/conclusion, I should be commenting a lot more, but all I come away with is the realization that what they’re doing looks really awesome, and I can’t do any of it. Plus I’m pretty sure that in the midst of all this legitimate martial art action with the high-kicking and the defensive techniques and the tucking and the rolling and the “h’yah!”ing, Jaguar just flat-out right-hooks Tiger Chen in the face. It’s the most American moment in this thing. Plus, THAT I can do.

EMR: I’m practising punching myself in the face right now, if only to cause myself enough blunt force trauma that I never have to explain to my future children why Daddy lost so much sleep watching this fucking sewage.

TEOS: All of this is very stupid, but yet still somehow better than the similar beach-fight finale of Mission: Impossible 2, where Tom Cruise fucking kicks a gun into his own hand while in a standing position.

EMR: Is Jaguar Wong really going win this fight by kicking sand in Tiger’s face and waiting for him to get stuck in wet sand? Not only could we be here for days waiting for that to happen, but if this were a video game, and Tiger Chen was the final boss fight, I’d expect my reward upon completion of the game to be a swarm of locusts flying out of the console to tell me that my wife has been gang-raped by syphilitic mimes.

TEOS: Try to guess how Tiger Chen dies. While you ponder that, I’ll be in the car waiting for you to give me a ride home.

EMR: So, almost as an after-thought, we’re getting to see the conclusion of Powers Boothe’s storyline, and it’s handled with all the sensitivity and grace that you’ll have come to expect from a Godfrey Ho abortion. In a nutshell: three ninjas fight with katanas on the top of a mountain, they’ve all now got magical teleportation powers like Ryan Reynolds had at the end of X-Men Origins: Wolverine, one of them dies by barbecue fork and the other one explodes himself at extreme distance while Powers Boothe gets to walk away with the Golden Ninja Warrior Award for Best Moustache in a Film About Giant Mutant Bats Screaming Sexual Threats in Your Ears While You Sleep SKREE!! SKREE!!

TEOS: There have been two common themes during tonight’s commentary, both of which have been repeatedly revisited: masturbation and racism. Apparently we’re proponents of both.

I’m fine with it.

EMR: If you try and search for this movie on IMDB, the only result it returns is "go fuck yourself."