June 26, 2014

THE IMPOSSIBLE KID (OF KUNG FU)


The End of Summer (TEOS): To quote myself:
In 1957, a legend was born; he was a pint-sized legend that rocked a white suit, triumphed against adversity, and wooed the ladies. His hair was as black as squid ink, his smile glinted like the afternoon sun, and his nipples were the size of silver-dollar pancakes.

He came, he saw, he littled. And in 1992, he died of bad crab.

But in between those two history-changing years, he became an action-star sensation in his native homeland of the Philippines, and his presence in the film community carved a never-fading presence and laid root to his still-celebrated career.
That man…is Weng Weng.

Background is impossible to find on other films in Weng Weng’s career, and when they have titles like Chopsuey Met Big Time Papa, that makes me pretty sad. The Impossible Kid (of Kung Fu), directed by Eddie Nicart, who has seemingly directed every Weng Weng feature, is one of at least four films in which Weng Weng takes the reins of leading man, wearing the tiniest of doll clothes and dealing the tiniest of furious kicks.  Here, he reprises (initiates?) the role of Agent 00, a James Bond-ish character who works for an anti-criminal organization called “Control.”

The film opens with Weng Weng taking a leisurely stroll down Mini Avenue when a team of snipers tries to take him out. He ducks down for complete safety behind a fire hydrant while he waits for his back up from Control to arrive. Once he does, the one-and-a-half men chase the snipers into an apartment building.

Exploitation Movie Review (EMR): Well...this escalated with a degree of alacrity I wasn't entirely prepared for.

TEOS: On the roof, Back Up Guy lowers Weng Weng on a rope down to the next couple of windows where Sniper Guy is holed up. You might be thinking “Wow, that Back Up Guy is pretty strong!” but you’d be wrong, since Weng Weng weighs roughly the same as an average-sized watermelon. Naturally, while dangling like a worm on a hook above Mini Ave (Ghostbusters 2 reference for the win), Weng Weng looks through a window and sees shower tits. The shower tits see Weng Weng. (The shower tits see a two-foot high man, on a rope, floating outside her bathroom window.) Shower Tits’ reaction is to close the shower curtain and get back to being underwhelming looking.

EMR: I'm concerned that the guy in the apartment beneath Shower Tits is making out with a dead body. It could be a sex doll with realistic skin, like a T-800 Terminator that's fallen on hard times and needs the money to pay its way through college. It's probably just an actress...what were we talking about, again?

TEOS: Our feature film, The Infinitesimal Kid.

It can't be bargained with. It can't be reasoned with.
And it absolutely will not stop. Ever.
Until you have ejaculated.

TEOS: When Weng Weng speaks, he speaks with immense authority. And that’s likely to do with the guy who they got to dub Weng Weng’s voice for the North American release. I’m kinda wondering why they chose said baritone voice instead of one that might be found coming out the mouth of a cartoon puppy, but, it worked for Woody and Buzz, so…

EMR: During the title sequence, we're given an insight into how much of a bad ass Weng Weng is because the lady who's singing his title song tells you so. Production value wise, this movie has taken an important step ahead of its competitors by having at least two different pieces of music on its OST.

Weng Weng is taking the time to zip around town on his motorbike when he receives a radio message from base explaining that there's a truck and some bad guys and a hostage so he moves to intercept. Weng Weng saves the hostage dude from a truck full of assholes and receives such an underwhelming display of gratitude, this guy might as well be British.

TEOS: Back at Control, Weng Weng is pawed and manhandled by the secretary, who repeatedly kiss-rapes him, but Weng Weng chooses to exhibit indifference over titillation about this whole situation. Luckily his boss intervenes, whisking him away to his office that looks suspiciously like someone’s IKEA-ed out garage. There the boss explains that networks of terrorists who kidnap wealthy industrialists for ransom are attempting to establish connections with a terrorist ring in the Philippines.

EMR: During this debriefing, you should be able to pick up on the fact that Weng Weng's boss has a hard time with plurals. Illegal organisations are called 'Terrorist' and wealthy business conglomerates are called 'Industrialist'. This guy's disabled mouth is pretty funny.

TEOS: It’s right around you’ll begin to notice that, unless Weng Weng is kicking dudes in the balls or brandishing tiny guns, he looks completely bored to be anywhere near this movie. Doesn’t he know he’s headlining his own film where he gets to kiss average looking broads…on the face? Maybe someone should tell him.

EMR: I'll let you deal with this one, dude. I still don't believe he's a real person and this is some freaky CGI shit which Manilla didn't tell us about until 30 years later.

TEOS: At some kind of anti-criminal meeting, its attendees mistake Weng Weng for a small boy, so they literally pick him up and throw him from person to person toward the exit, and oh yeah, it’s as amazing as it sounds.

Especially when Weng2 beats the ever-loving hell out of the last dude for coming even close to disrespecting him.

Best. GIF. Ever

EMR: To be perfectly fair to the head of the anti-criminal meeting, you can't blame him for not believing that this J.F Sebastian automaton-looking motherfucker with worse hair than Donald Trump is Interpol's best agent. If he didn't stand there like Richard Ramirez silently contemplating if he should both rape AND kill this bitch, he may have been taken a bit more seriously.

But you know what? He's fucking Weng Weng and his ghost is about to come and kick me in the balls for that shit I've just said.

TEOS: And he’ll come to you wearing the tiniest bedsheet.

Once Double-Weng convinces everyone he really is from Interpol, they sit down and watch a video made by Head Terrorist Guy, who is wearing a Klansmen hood for some reason. He demands a bunch of shit, or else he’ll do a bunch of shit. Then the TV explodes, so you know he means business.

EMR: Yeah, my favourite moment of this video tape is when Head Terrorist Guy explains that when people call him and his organisation terrorists, they're wrong. He then goes onto explain that if his demands are not met, he'll kidnap and kill all these motherfuckers. That, my hooded friend, is a terrorist.

TEOS: Weng Weng leaves the meeting and is soon chased by some dudes on motorbikes, but he jumps in some dude’s dirt cart and the dude plays along, wheeling him away. Truly, Weng has earned the title dangerous man of mystery.

EMR: Back at Control HQ, there's too much fucking plot going on. I commend this movie for making the concession to plot development, but when your main attraction is a living marionette that kicks people in the balls, adding a storyline is as pointless as nutritional information on the side of a garbage can.

Weng Weng's boss tells him to pinpoint who's really in charge of this terrorist plot, but it seems obvious that it's Ku Klux Klan Man. I think he means that Weng Weng needs to find out who's beneath the mask. I don't know. I kind of don't care. It's been at least five minutes since Weng Weng hoofed someone in the dick and my patience is wearing a bit thin.

Basic outline; some wealthy industrialist(s) has bitched out and decided to pay up to Klan Man so he doesn't wake up one morning to a breakfast of his own balls.

TEOS: You’re grasping more of this plot than I am. I admit, I’ve been spending this entire time staring at Weng’s tiny body to see if I can locate his battery pack.

While the musical score comes dangerously close to ripping off the theme from The Pink Panther, Weng Weng hides in a trashcan, since he’s on a stakeout, I guess. Sure enough, some bad guy comes and drops a duffel bag into the very trashcan in which Weng is hiding. After digging through it, Weng finds that it’s filled with cash-money, niggas! Then these OTHER dudes come out of nowhere, grab the can, and toss it into a rubbish truck. Whether this is part of the criminal plan or unhappy coincidence, we don’t know. I sure don’t.

The truck in question is being driven by a ruthless gang of hipsters

EMR: Why Weng Weng is so popular with the ladies, I don't know. So far, within the first 30 minutes, I've seen him crawling around on the floor, hiding in a dust cart and jumping into a trashcan. If I'd have been this popular with women despite smelling like burnt asshole, I would have lost my virginity a long time before my 22nd birthday.

TEOS: Haha, I think that guy totally just said “bouillabaisse.”

EMR: You know what? FUCK fish dishes, man. I work all day and you expect me to come home and work through my dinner, too?! The fuck is this shit?! No, seriously, what were we talking about again?

TEOS: Some asshole movie starring Chloe Grace-Moretz’s body double.

The bad guy demands to see the money. Well, they unzip the money sack, and it’s actually Weng Weng, and he is so money.

Weng Weng dominates all of them because he is the goddamn man, and for his thanks he gets a kiss on the lips from that secretary who’s obsessed with him.

EMR: There's nothing savory about their relationship, man. It's making me feel uncomfortable. I think it's a combination of factors. On the one hand, you have Weng Weng, who, and I think you'll forgive me, looks like a child who got lost at a wedding, and on the other hand, you have a 20-something year old receptionist with crippling emotional problems who's probably more interested in making him dress up in a cute little sailor suit than she is in banging him.

Anyway, Weng Weng's boss with the broken face-hole delivers him from this frumpy psychopath into his office where he's having a meeting with the wealthy industrialist who wanted to pay up and save his own life.

If you ask me, this guy's being a churlish asshole because he blames Weng Weng for fucking up the pay off. There's lots of pointing and uncomfortable silences in the room when Weng Weng's getting his grilling. These dudes have less of an idea what's going on than I do, which is remarkable seeing as though they have a script. Maybe.

TEOS: If Weng Weng were less of a man, he would flee from the room filled with all the tall men who were yelling at him, grasping his school books bound together in one of those rubber band things that children used back when they were still endearing and not total Apple product-carrying jerk-offs. But, since he’s Weng Weng, he takes it all in stride and tells them all to fuck off (in his mind).

EMR: After he's been given an almighty roasting, Weng Weng senses that there could be a cross-dressing hit-man in the vicinity and fuck me, he's right.

TEOS: Maybe he smelled all the cock.

EMR: Ha! Gross.

Look out! Rue Paul has the most ineffectual grenade ever created and he's going to throw the fucking thing at the industrialist(s).

'What happened?!' asks one of the Interpol agents after Weng Weng has dispatched the assassin with several throat stomps and a Mexican firework.

Literally no one replies to this question. It's better that way.

 “Is that a man’s cock under your dress,
or are you just happy to see another man?”

TEOS: At a terrorist meeting, Head Terrorist Guy puts a hit out on Weng Weng amongst all his underlings. Some chick says she knows where he practices his karate, so she goes there, undercover, in hopes of taking out the bite-sized superspy.

The official Weng Weng song plays as the chick gets a birds-eye view of his fists of fury. She’s only wooed for a second before she sics pretty much every person at the place on him, since they all work for her.

EMR: You know during the meeting when he puts the hit out on Weng Weng? Yeah, I couldn't understand a fucking word that guy was saying. I tried adjusting the volume and everything. Still, the audio mix here isn't as bad as the one they did on The Dark Knight Rises.

TEOS: All you need to know is, it’s four dudes against one half-dude. Guess who wins?

EMR: I'm guessing it's not Tom Hardy's accent in The Dark Knight Rises. Seriously, that movie fucking sucks. Why do you all go on about it all the time?

TEOS: If you make one more allusion to my liking that overlong piece of nonsense, I am going to wear a crab over my mouth, prank call your mum, and in my best Tom Hardy voice, tell her you’ve been arrested for public defecation and lazy storytelling. Then a nuke will go off right next to me but I’ll live because off-screen cutaways.

EMR: Brilliant! Millions of dollars and critical recognition to you for some reason! (Nolan Jab.)

The thing that immediately struck me while watching this fight scene is that if you're going to employ an actor like Weng Weng and you're going to have him do some karate or whatever, you're pretty much going to have to train the guy to do everything you commit to film, because you're not going to find a stunt-man who's even close to Weng Weng's height. At a push, I guess you could stop-motion some GI Joes and use forced perspective, but it's probably quicker to train the guy to do sick moves.

TEOS: That’s actually something I never thought about. Was Weng Weng this random Meenie Filipini who just knew all this stuff already and then became an actor, or did he become an actor and then learn this stuff? And is “this stuff” anywhere near legitimate? I can’t tell, because I spent all my time looking at his tiny body and trying to locate his plug outlet.

Also, if you ever wanted to see a wax-haired midget kick a broad right in the face, don’t blink.

EMR: This scene also explains why I never learnt a martial art. The simple answer; no matter how good I could potentially become, my limbs wouldn't make cool swooshing noises when I moved.

Oh, and another thing that hit me while watching this fight scene is that I swear the guy working out on the bench isn't involved with the four guys and the chick who just attacked Weng Weng. Strikes me that what he's seeing is an autonomous Jim Henson puppet beating up on some broad and he's stepped in to help out. Weng Weng beats the shit out of him pretty hard and then the chick produces a gun out of nowhere and shoots him in the fucking back! I feel pretty bad for him.

So, anyway, Weng x 2 takes Karate Lady back to Interpol HQ or whatever it is, then, I think, heads home to his apartment building, but he's being tailed by some dudes which, naturally, he instantly clocks for assholes so he makes an escape into some chick’s room.

Wait a fucking second...has he just broken into some chick's room? I thought this was his room? Actually, at first, I thought it was a cinema because he went up to the desk and it looked like the clerk gave him a ticket. But what the fuck is he doing in some broad's room? I'm, like, 35 minutes into this movie and I've been watching it for 2 hours because I have to keep stopping to check if I have strychnine poisoning.

TEOS: Huh? Oh, I don’t know. I was too busy laying down those sick Dark Knight Rises slams.

EMR: The guys on the tail of Weng Weng point a gun at this bell-boy, but, honestly, they really didn't need to. Apparently, all they needed to do to gain access to this chick's room was ask the fucking desk clerk and he'd have been more than happy to assist them in their potential sexual assault.

So, Weng Weng jumps out of the window, utilising some linen as a rudimentary parachute.

This film is fucking stupid.

TEOS: YESSSS!!! The high jump off the top of the skyscraper and right into the arms of a man in the hotel’s swimming pool. A-W-E-SOME.

EMR: Right, the guy in the swimming pool. Him. He wins. No one else who could possibly turn up in this film would be any creepier and yes, I'm counting the ever possible cameo of Pennywise The Dancing Clown. There's ALWAYS that possibility.

TEOS: Are you saying you disapprove of a large bear of a man, shirtless, cradling Weng Weng like a child, and saying repeatedly that he is a pretty boy, all the while Weng Weng looks like he could not be prouder?

Fuck you.

“I know I said I was in the mood for a little Filipino tonight,
but this is ridiculous!”
(Rimshot.)

EMR:
Hey, woah, c'mon now. I didn't mean to insult your sensibilities. I know we're supposed to be living in a new age of acceptance and everything, but dude...this here...this shit ain't right…


TEOS: “Ain’t right” is what Two Guys, One Quip is all about, playa.

EMR: Who's this guy getting off on them giving this chick an injection? What is this? What's happening? What the fuck have you made me watch, man?

TEOS: Are you missing her face of ecstasy and fists of clenching? She’s totally into it. Or, would you prefer to watch a three hour Batman film where he breaks his back, but then fixes it with the aid of a rope and a sad old man?

EMR: Haha! Come on, man. NO ONE wants to see that. If they ever made that into a Batman picture, I'm pretty certain I'd piss baking soda foam.

TEOS: Fuck, I think something “important” happened in the post-needling-girl scene and I missed it. I hope it’s not “detrimental” to the “plot.” I suppose I could rewind, but…

EMR: It's cool, I've kinda been paying attention. This chick is having a fit. I really don't think this is how you react when you're injected with sodiumpen...oh wait, she's dead. Some guy is saying that someone must have switched the vials. Hang on, are you trying to tell me this was some sort of fucking clerical error? Man, they should change the name of this place from Interpol to Inter...joke...shop.

TEOS: Weng Weng breaks into the rather posh mansion compound where all the bad guys just hang out near the pool while “The Wing Wanther” plays again. Head Bad Guy alludes to feeding Weng Weng to his pet cobra. See, because he’s the same size of a mouse. And this is before Weng Weng is even spotted in the compound. But, they waste no time in throwing a cobra directly at him, and Weng Weng tussles with it using his Barbie Doll hands.

EMR: Again, realising he hasn't punched anyone in the dick for at least 37 seconds, Weng Weng punches one of Main Bad Guy's men in the junk before leaving. It's pretty much my favourite moment of this movie so far.

TEOS: Wait, Weng Weng just called Main Bad Guy a terrorist, who looked and reacted as if he were REALLY offended at being labeled as such. Is this one of those situations where Weng Weng knows the guy is dirty, but everyone else is dumb-fuck? Should I know this by now? Before I can wonder just what on Planet Earth is happening, it cuts to Weng Weng in a track suit, and you know what, I simply could not be more aroused.

EMR: Hey, look! Some guys sitting around a table and talking! I know over-sized collars were all the rage back when this film was made, but when 8 people are gathered in a small room and literally EVERY ONE of those 8 people are wearing one, it's either the most fashion conscious gang this side of West Side Story or someone's putting together a boy band. Either way; totally gay.

"Maria! I've just met a man called 'Maria'!"

EMR: Main Bad Guy laughs because his diabolical scheme seems to be coming to fruition. His henchmen laugh. He stops and his henchmen stop. Main Bad Guy takes a sip of his coffee and starts laughing again. I think I just heard my synapses telling me to get the fuck out of the house.

TEOS: This is awful.

EMR: I'm treating this movie as your way of telling me that you don't want to be friends anymore.

TEOS: If that were true, I would make us watch The Dark Knight Rises.

Holy shit.

We should totally watch The Dark Knight Rises.

Chew on that while I get back to our current piece of shit.

Weng Weng takes off on a hilariously small motorcycle and the bad guys pursue close behind in their car. Honestly, they could just run him over and end the movie at the 52-minute mark, seeing as how I’m pretty sure Weng’s bike is actually one of those wind-up toys, but, no such luck - we’ve got a half hour left of “man who can hide in small places” jokes.

EMR: And anyone still reading this review has got another 10 minutes of wondering why the fuck we're writing about this movie.

Weng Weng makes his escape by jumping a ravine on his motorcycle, but it's such a bad visual effect, it looks like Indiana Jones taking The Path Of God test in The Last Crusade.

TEOS: I could sense you mentally yearning for unsexy technicolor dancing, so, here you go. Pretty sexy, right?

EMR: Totally. Why are we now at a go-go club? Has this film just been stitched toge...you know what, fuck it. Whatever.

I think the newsreader on the TV in the go-go club is the only member of the cast making a concerted effort to use singular and plural nouns when describing the industrialist(s).

There are some bad guys in the go-go club and one of them starts smacking a waiter around. What kind of a go-go club has men serving drinks?!

Oh, man fuck the rest of this scene.

TEOS: In a scene most telling of Weng Weng’s talents, he finds himself surrounded on a desolate street by a bunch of thugs, so he throws down a smoke bomb and fucks the fuck off, causing all the thugs to accidentally shoot each other. He follows one of the bad dudes to a...whore house? Massage parlor? All I know is, all the girls for hire say he’s adorable, and the manager apologizes for nearly throwing him out, saying “I didn’t know you were an adult.”

I ask you: Did anyone?

EMR: I *think* this is supposed to be a hospital, man. Oh, no, hang on...yeah, there's a sign outside that says 'Paradise,' so yep, it's totally a massage parlor. All the chicks inside look like nurses, though. Maybe it's a theme night or something. I don't know. East Asia's fucking weird.

(Children's discount joke.)

EMR: Another thing: when Weng Weng walks into a room or a building and someone starts talking to him or asks him a question, why doesn't he just respond? Why does he stand there looking like he just walked off the set of 'Labyrinth' and can't function without being within 50 feet of Bowie's balls?

TEOS: Dear god, still a half hour of this. This WHOLE movie is just men in suits sitting in rooms behind long tables and talking about boring crime shit. A log-line this gonzo should be guaranteed gold, but it’s tantamount to early-’90s PBS. Also, note to men everywhere: don’t wear decorative scarves.

Ever.

EMR: I've come to the conclusion that the head terrorist guy's method of disguising his voice is literally just cupping his hand over his mouth. At least he doesn't sound like Sean Connery with a sand crab stuck to his face. (Bane Jab.)

TEOS: (Puts that sand crab over mouth.) “WHERN WERNG WERNG HAS KIRCKED YOU IN THE BARRLS, YOUR HAERVE MER PERMISSION TO CRY.”

FINALLY Weng Weng is kicking ass again. I don’t know under what circumstances, but he just took out a whole rooftop of men with a pole. Then he ran around and kicked some other dudes’ asses, ran BACK to the roof and kicked THOSE guy’s asses again, and then, yes, used the pole to vault himself over the side of the building and then do a tight-rope walk to the next building over. It’s THIS kind of freak-show stuff that made me allow the video to buffer in the first place! (Although, who am I kidding, I’ve got a DVD of this bullshit on my shelf anyway.)

EMR: So, I'm trying to make this a less painful experience by pretending that I'm watching the rooftop explosion in ‘Die Hard.’ That movie's tits. Why didn't we review that?

TEOS: Because then I’d be reminded that Die Hard eventually led to A Good Day to Die Hard, and it would make me far angrier than this movie currently is.

Speaking of, before Weng Weng can say “I’m on a boat!” he should actually instead say, “I’m in a fucking bird cage on a boat!” because that’s exactly where he is. I’m not sure how he got there, but, there he is. I guess one of the girls did it? God, I’m awful at this.

EMR: I won't lie; I've tried to be professional at this point because I'm feeling a little bit like Theon Greyjoy and this movie is Ramsay Snow trying to cut my dick off (spoilers), but no, I don't know what's happening either, but that's what makes our relationship special, man; if you don't care then I don't care.

It's ok for two guys to talk about feelings if there's a picture
of Robocop within view.

TEOS: Main Bad Guy, who is also wearing a decorative scarf (seriously, dudes, knock it the shit off), orders that Weng Weng be thrown overboard, cage and all. Well, he is, and he drowns. He drowns, dies, the movie ends, and I’m allowed to watch that Van Damme movie that I’ve got saved in my Youtube watch-later list, as that would be time better spent.

Just kidding. This movie is still happening and my soul is still sobbing.

Seriously, watching this makes me feel like I have a fever.

EMR: Hey, remember that time you suggested we write something together? Why can't we be happy like that again?

TEOS: Oh, what the fuck! I mean, no shit, Weng Weng was going to survive his bird-cage plunge, but seriously, did they even bother showing how he escaped? He’s not even wet! This is like Jaws: The Revenge-level bad. He’s got an uzi now, though, so that counts for something. He’s really furious - you can tell because the speed of his little legs increases to hummingbird-wing-like blurriness.

EMR: This shit's, like, 4 minutes from the end now that he's cutting dudes up with his gat and trying to rape this chick in the red. I'll say one thing for Hollywood: they generally know how to pace a movie. And not cast midgets in action roles. Say, do you reckon they'll ever do a remake and cast Peter Dinklage in the lead role?

TEOS: Only if Tyrion Lannister owed me a debt, and I said, “Since you blonde fucks always pay your debts, star in my big budget remake of The Impossible Kid,” and I’m not sure how to finish that joke, since I guess I’m talking to a fictional imp at the same time I’m addressing a real-life man.

Let’s move on.

Dear god, it’s finally over. Fuck you, man. I’m sorry. I know this was my idea. But still, suck it. Ugh. All this movie needed was an ending where Michael Caine sees Weng Weng and Catwoman sitting in a breakfast bistro, which was poorly telegraphed during the first act of this tripe, and then he can hobble away to go join Morgan Freeman in the official Batman spin-off, Now You See Me.

EMR: One of the guys at the end sounds like Michael Caine. Is...is that close enough?

TEOS: My-Cocaine.

EMR: Ha! Nice.

June 25, 2014

ZOMBIE LAKE



Exploitation Movie Review (EMR): Most of the time, a troubled production results in a troubled movie and that can be said of 1981's Zombie Lake. After being passed on to director Jean Rollin at very short notice, the binding spell surrounding the dark lord G'rnthark crumbled and he awoke from his thousand year slumber. Dazed, confused and understandably angry, he promptly sharted and deposited Zombie Lake onto the world as if to say, "Dude...I was fucking sleeping."

This movie garnered some criticism for being a cheap knock-off version of Ken Weiderhorn's Shock Waves, a similarly aquatic undead themed movie.


So, lets just get this over and fucking done with...

Zombie Lake starts, almost by way of apology, with tits and a deceptively soft-core, Euro-porn soundtrack. This reasonably attractive chick is getting undressed because she's going for a swim in a lake, which is clearly marked with a sign that says "No Swimming" and "You're going to fucking die," but she just tears that warning sign right outta the ground and starts swimming. But wait! Oh, shit! As soon as the Euro-porn soundtrack cuts out and the foreboding synth soundtrack kicks in, you know something's coming to cause more harm to her than the parasites in that lake could ever do. That's right; Zombies! Lake Zombies! Nazi Lake Zombies! After a brief but violent confrontation where the only thing you'll be thinking is, "Did they shoot this in a fucking swimming pool? I can see the ladders and everything," the action expertly cuts away to a small village cafe.

The End of Summer (TEOS): Since we’re bros, I’ll be polite, but I really think you’re being too hard on this movie. I mean, granted, I know we’re all a little sick of zombie stuff right now, but so far this seems pretty fun. You’ve got Woody Harrelson, who is awesome; you’ve got the hot/ugly Emma Stone, who in this is mostly hot; and you’ve got that dude from The Social Network whom everyone likes to say is trying too hard to be Michael Cera, even though he’s been acting long before Cera adopted the whole “neurotic Woody Allen” act for "Arrested Development."

AND you’ve got...

Oh. Wait a minute. I totally put in the wrong movie.

Ha ha. Sorry. Let me switch over real quick, I think this shit’s on Streaming.

(It's playing)

Aww, there's a swan, so that's nice - and we've got a broad with some nice gams. And, okay, we’ve got the title on screen now, and...

Yeah, I instantly have eye cancer. You know how when you put on a bad movie, you just get that feeling where you KNOW the movie is going to be painful? If you've never experienced it, Zombie Lake is here to help you.

EMR: Yeah, totally. I mean, look at the DVD cover:


And then THIS is what it actually looks like:


"Wait...yeah, totally forgot my wallet."

Shit. Now I know what my mother feels like when we speak on the phone.

TEOS: Speaking of final products, if I were editor Claude Gros, and I was at the cast and crew screening, I'm not sure if I'd be grinning or completely embarrassed that MY name is the one that pops up on the opening credit sequence right on top of a close-up of some French lady's very generous, er...hair-down-there. And his name is Gros, too, which is so perfect that I think that counts as at least seventeen jokes.

Oh, there's that Nazi zombie you mentioned. Even though he's waterlogged, I can still tell his uniform is way over-starched.

Food for thought: Do you think Nazi zombies hate Jewish people, like, extra? Would they even want to eat them? Or is that a joke where if the wrong person at my office somehow reads it, it could get me fired...for being TOO awesome?

EMR: That much I don't know, man. All I know is that this film owes me as much of an apology as the Third Reich owe the rest of the world.

At the mayor's office, Tits McGee's dad (?) is talking about how his daughter (?) hasn't come back yet. I don't know who these sick fuckers are, but they can't even seem to muster up an appropriate emotional response between them.


"I'm afraid she drowned," her father says, with all the passion of an abandoned dishcloth.


Back out at the lake, our zombie pal from before senses that women with wheelbarrows are nearby and leaves the lake to investigate. He attacks the wheelbarrow woman by aggressively kissing her neck. When he pulls his head up to dribble on her face, there are no bite marks or anything, so it's pretty awkward. This is the shittiest fucking zombie I've ever seen.

TEOS: You're right - it really does look like this ghoul is making sweet love to this dame, not feasting on her warm frog flesh. It would actually make me a little aroused, if I weren't already pretty aroused from that earlier scene with the naked broad swimming in neon green slop water.

Anyway, now that this wheelbarrow chick is finito, let's take a moment to stare at the zombie on screen and wonder when it was Stacy Keach snuck into this thing.

Three random men carry the woman's dead body through town as all kinds of upset passersby join the procession. Despite all the tears and forlorn looks, it's still less sad of a parade than the one when they hoist a statue of the Virgin Mary through the streets as everyone throws dollar bills as it.

Also, apparently in this town, it's required to drop off dead bodies outside the mayor's office and just wait for him to come outside. Once that happens, cover the dead's naughty bits, because otherwise the mayor will just pounce that shit, I guess.


"Mr. Mayor, sir? Your two o'clock is waiting for you outside."


EMR: Relax, peasants; sexy, sassy reporter lady is here and she's brought her camera and a copy of Ripley's Believe It Or Not, so the mystery of whoever's kissing these girls to death is as good as solved. She goes to see the mayor to find out why the locals call the lake "The Lake Of Ghosts" or whatever. The mayor tells her a story about the second World War and how the allied forces seemed to be targeting terrible fucking actresses in fields. A German officer saves this girl and then falls over for no reason, so his buddies take him to recuperate at a field hospital. She follows him there and after a pretty short convalescence, they meet up again and bang.


I once stopped a girl getting run down by a car, but I didn't get this kind of treatment.

TEOS: During the non-stop banging scene, I literally got up, used the john, checked the weather forecast (MORE fucking snow), sent a couple texts to plan my weekend, came back, sat down, and the banging was still happening.

I also find it a little odd that these two actors have to be full-naked for an extended period of time, nuzzling every tit and ball sac on screen, yet keep the closed-mouth kissing turned up to 11. I mean, at this point, you might as well get your rocks off. Fucking French people NOT French kissing during sex. What's that about?


EMR: It does seem odd that I now have intimate knowledge of what seems like the entire fucking population of this village past, present, and probably future, but tongue kissing is out of the mix.

Anyway, they have a kid who reappears a little later on (played in this movie by the cold, dead eyes of a living statue who's staring into the future and contemplating the most efficient way to commit suicide). The mom dies shortly after childbirth and the dad dies at the hand of some resistance fighters who gun down him and the rest of his squad in cold blood and dump their bodies in the lake. One of the resistance guys is the mayor, who looks like he kept aging until he was 65 and then just stopped.


Back in the present, the worst women's basketball team in the world turn up in their camper van and start stripping down to their smalls while another jaunty Euro-porn theme plays on in the background. This may be the worst film I've ever seen.

TEOS: So far my favorite part of this movie was before I even put it on and I had finished watching Last of the Mohicans. Day-Lewis is TOPS in that.

But okay, this piece of shit. Even though it was completely unintentional, I am really tickled by the sudden cut to a small girl sitting far off in the corner of a barn or something, but she's sitting in such a way that these huge sacks of grain make it look like she has gigantic fucking giant legs. So now instead of paying attention to this train wreck, I am writing my own movie in my head called Greta: The Girl With Legs So Gigantic She Killed Her Mother During Birth And Kicked All The Nurses Into Triage.


Rated R for Ridiculous Leggetry.

EMR: After most of the girls basketball team have been butchered, the one remaining survivor stumbles into the village cafe completely topless, screaming about the lake and only the magic of this not being an Italian horror picture prevents her from being gang raped in the eye sockets by horny locals.

TEOS: The last time I was a girl AND naked AND giggling with other naked girls standing around a van, it...did not end well.


EMR: Meanwhile, the mayor is having a conversation with the most relaxed police inspector in Europe and his fucking chess partner, or something. The inspector kind of thinks that the mayor is losing his mind, so he humours him and sends two detectives to the village to bunk off for a while.

TEOS: I sincerely hope you're not talking down on Spitz and Morane. Of ALL the detectives the mayor could have sent to handle this problem, he chose two of the most men who were ever men.


EMR: That's a lot of men, to be fair. So potent is their virility, they could potential bring all the dead women in this village back to life simply by scratching their balls.

Back in the village, our zombie pal from before has spotted the old house where his bang buddy gave birth to their child and goes for a look ‘round. Inside, he finds his daughter who's somehow only 12 years old...


Wait, what fucking year is this supposed to be?

TEOS: 1970-terrible.

So here's the thing. I know we like to "suspend disbelief" and "turn a blind eye" to sometimes fantastic circumstances, all in the name of enjoying a film and having a nice time at the cinema. But come on – a fucking green-faced ghoul covered in blood randomly walks into the room of a little girl, looks at her with an undeniable look of lust, and begins to slowly undo his collar, and this little girl is going to grin like she just saw one of the dudes from One Direction (the one with the awesome hair) blow her a kiss? Is this really what I am seeing?

And is this zombie dude really all that touched to be back in this house? Fucking random emoting zombie. Leave it to the French to pussify the walking dead. Well, them and..."The Walking Dead."


EMR: Dude! I don't know how you dare say something like that about AMC's Andrew Lincoln Looks At The Ground And Mutters!

Anyway, this guy is totally bucking for this film to be renamed My Zombie Dad, but it doesn't star Brian Bonsall and wasn't made in 1994.


TEOS: ...Yet


EMR: Before the detectives even get a chance to ask, "Where were you on the night of the 7th?," they've been fucking eaten by Pond Hitlers. At this point, the Zombie Gang decide to head into the village where they ambush two people making out awkwardly after realising that they have the monopoly on unconvincing necking in this movie.

TEOS: My absolute favorite zomb is all the way on the left, who comes out of the pond doing Jazz Hands.


"They're gonna LOVE me!"

EMR: There's kind of a 'revenge' motif going on here.

Wait a second...is this a really shit version of The Fog?

TEOS: I'm not sure...does it star Tom Welling?

Zing!

Sorry.

You know, if they're going to go out of their way to make these zombies Nazis, they're really missing out on at least having them do that really cool and belligerent Nazi march. You know, the one where their boots make those thunderous boot sounds while an entire nation sobs on their knees?


EMR: Hmm, I don't know man. I'm getting the feeling that this film is kinda trying to make me sympathise with Nazis. I don't think I've ever watched a propaganda movie that was cut with Euro-porn, before. It's not an entirely uncomfortable experience, but I'm feeling a little ambiguous about it because I can't work out if the longing of a father for his daughter’s love or the tits are turning me on the most.

So anyway, now that they're on the march, one of the zombies comes across a woman fiddling with her suspender belt and in trying to help her, accidentally tears the flesh off her thigh. I guess. Fucking zombies are such ham-fisted assholes.

TEOS: I LOVE this one zomb who tears ass into the tavern and startles everyone, all so he can bypass all that throbbing potential man meat feast and turn over the card game table, instead, because he's REALLY anti-gambling, I guess.

And during this, an 80lb girl is just taking it upon herself to take a bath in her back yard in an apple bushel. It's about as sexy as you're thinking it's not. The zomb eats her, but then looks really disappointed since it's like eating wings at the diner – there's just no fucking meat on them at all.


EMR: So now that the zombies have finished randomly attacking the village and have fucked right off back to the lake for whatever reason, the mayor assembles the townsfolk and tells them it's "obvious" that the zombies have declared war on the village, so they decide to ambush them if they decide to come out that night. Maybe they should set a trap for them using a woman who's having difficulty with hosiery.

TEOS: Something else I love? The close-up of blood splattering all over the ground, but with clear camera cuts peppered in between, as if the filmmakers would film the street, drop some blood, shut the camera off, ask, "Is...Is that enough blood?" and then most likely the fucking producer would step up and put away the 1980s version of the Kindle (a book) and say "Needs more blood," so they would turn the camera back on and whip some more paint brushes covered in blood back down at the street. Then some wise-ass would say, "Well, that's all the blood we brought with us today," and someone would high five him and then everyone would really just enjoy living their lives since this is fucking France.


EMR: I know, right? They basically invented putting chocolate into bread. That's fucking incredible. It's like a breakfast a six-year-old would come up with at gunpoint.

The villagers ambush the zombies as they're walking through the town square, but every single one of them is either really nervous around fire-arms or shooting at pigeons in another town square in another fucking country, because not a single bullet or shell is hitting them. One of the villagers gets cornered in a stairwell and shoots Zombie Dad point blank in the stomach. This makes him really angry and you can tell because he starts foaming at the mouth.

TEOS: Jesus Christ, MORE zombies are coming out of this lake. Didn't that flashback only show, like, two soldier corpses being tossed into it? Did those zombies open up a Facebook invite and solicit other dead Nazi zombies to take part in this nonsense? I officially call bullshit on you, Zombie Lake.


EMR: I think they've just added more zombies at this point to up the tension level, because lets face it, this movie has all the tension of wondering how Titanic was going to end (SPOILERS: Kate Winslet gets sick of the 12-year-old kid who's been following her around and totally lets him freeze to death...seriously, that bit of wood she's on would have been big enough for her and Michael Clarke Duncan).

TEOS: RIP.


EMR: Zombie dad goes for a quick reunion with his daughter who still doesn't seem at all phased that her dad, a) smells like stagnant pond shit, b) is green, and c) is dead. He takes her for a walk down by the lake where they're confronted by the rest of his gang. What follows is something I never thought I'd see and/or type in my life:


A Zombie Knife Fight


Fuck. My. Mouth.


Shit. This scene plays like two old people trying to fuck inside a Zoorb.


Disclaimer: This scene is rendered more dramatic if you mute your TV and play the fight music from Star Trek: The Original Series.

"C-c-c-combo breaker!"

TEOS: It's weird you mention that, since once I noticed I didn't have to actually listen to this garbage – only read the subtitles – I've been blasting Rammstein. It not only makes this scene more awesome, but if I didn't know any better, I would just think it was an official Rammstein music video, since those krauts are all out of their goddamned minds. (In case you were wondering, the current song playing was Bück Dich.) (And in case you were still wondering, bück dich means "bend over.")

Needless to say, Zombie Lake made me bück dich tonight and proceeded to ramm my stein.

EMR: I once saw this 'Family Values' tour with Rammstein and Till Lindemann had this prosthetic dick and he started pissing over the crowd...kinda feels like that was a metaphor for this dogshit that I'm watching now instead of Batman: The Animated Series.

TEOS: Yeah Hammill!


EMR: Sassy Reporter Lady is back and the mayor is telling her that the village is pretty much responsible for the zombies. She suggests napalm (duh!) and the mayor acts like she's just worked out how to break the light speed barrier using only elastic bands and Calgon.


The mayor is reasoning with Zombie Daughter by telling her that her dad would want to be properly dead and that reducing him to a pile of ashes is the best gift she could ever give him. In return, I think he's going to pay for all the therapy she's going to need to stop her from giving her future husband an anniversary present of a dead clown covered in gasoline. She asks him to get her some fresh blood to bait them all into the old mill, but then she says she doesn't want to talk about it anymore. She stares into the distance, vacantly. We all die when she reaches maturity.

TEOS: She keeps calling the zombs "ghosts," too, which...no, stupid girl. They are clearly not ghosts. They're not even fucking zombies if you really want to split hairs about it since their mythology is totally fucked here, but god, for the time being, fucking ghosts? You know that scene in Frankenstein where a tiny girl hands Frankenstein's Monster a daisy and he smiles at her and then fucking throws her in the lake and kills her?

Exactly.


EMR: Zombie Daughter leads her Zombie Dad and his gang into the old mill on the promise of fresh blood but no one ever explains where this blood has come from. I guess I'm supposed to believe it's just available on tap or something. Fucking France.


So the villagers burn the zombies and their dummy doubles alive/dead and Zombie Daughter stands by with the mayor and cries. Lesson learned. I think. Wait, what the fuck have I just been watching for the last hour and a half? Bad horror or weird porn?

TEOS: I lied earlier when I made that Mohican crack. Turns out my favorite part of the movie was when I was allowed to turn it off and then play Call of Duty with my brother.

EMR: Yeah. All in all, this movie is as much fun as watching your ex kick a puppy to death.

As in, "My hat is like a shark's--!"

June 24, 2014

ROBO VAMPIRE


The End of Summer (TEOS): Legend has it that the feature film Robo Vampire was created when two unfinished films were face-smashed together with all the finesse and caring of a Philadelphia sports fan. Hearing that, one might think Unfinished Movie # 1 was a Robocop rip-off while Unfinished Movie # 2 was a vampire flick. But you'd be wrong. That's actually all part of that first unfinished flick. Edited into that mess with little-to-no technique is a random and quite boringly normal film about good guys trying to take down some drug dealers.

Though the final film is credited to Joe Livingstone, the film in actuality was _____ed by Godfrey Ho, mastermind behind the wonderful garbage that is Undefeatable. So, the question remains: Did Ho direct and abandon the robot/vampire film, or the boring drug dealers film, or was he responsible for neither until some dude showed up with a trunk of negatives and said "make something from this garbage"?

Quite honestly I have no idea – hence my ambiguous blank space – but it doesn't really matter, now does it? Robo Vampire exists. It's a thing. Just like Honey Boo Boo or Obamacare.

Exploitation Movie Review (EMR): The first thing that is apparent about this movie is that the production value is, as you would probably expect, pretty poor and looks like it was made on a budget of “money I managed to find in the change tray of a vending machine.”

TEOS: It shows, although it tries to start off with immense excitement. Robo Vampire begins in Unfinished Movie # 1, where a bunch of soldiers are forcing some drug dealers at gunpoint to march. They come upon coffins filled with snakes and immediately become terrified. I would be too, if an unseen film crew-member were hidden inside those coffins and obviously throwing snakes at me.

EMR: When the soldiers get spooked by the snakes in the coffins, they react in a pretty unreasonable way that betrays their undoubtedly high standard of training: by shooting the shit out of the snakes, which explode in a way that makes me think they were packed with TNT or something, so that’s pretty weird.

TEOS: Before someone can make a "watch out for snakes!" joke, turns out snakes aren't the only scary thing in those coffins, but also vampires. Chinese vampires.

Now before you send me a meme of a black kid saying “That’s racist,” let me clarify that I specified the ethnicity of these vampires for one simple reason: In Chinese mythology, vampires hop. They do not run, walk, or sprint. And that's not just Robo Vampire mythology, but honest-to-gosh established Chinese mythology.

EMR: Yep. They totally hop.

TEOS: Fucking China.

EMR: Also, I’m not so sure these army guys are professionals, because there’s a quick, off-setting shot of one of them wearing hi-top Converse and I don’t think any army would be so quick to dispense with those cumbersome, regulation boots in favour of the comfort and style of some Chuck Taylor All-Stars.

TEOS: The vampire kills off the American soldiers and the remaining drug dealers flee in joy. And this is all pre-title sequence, baby.

EMR: The pre-credits sequence made me feel like I was having a stroke, but it completely sets up the tone of the movie, so I’ll give it a pass.

For his birthday, Billy’s father bought him
a fucking Chinese vampire.

TEOS: I really like this next sequence, because in one simple sentence, the entire film is summed up, and if you were out buying SnoCaps or something during this part, you’d have no fucking idea what was happening during the rest of the film. So, at an ominous drug dealers meeting, Head Drug Dealer is super pissed off at Head Anti-Drug Agent, who I think is named Tom, so he's going to be hiring a Taoist to "train the vampires to deal with him."

"Training vampires." And we're not even five minutes in. I mean…that’s fucking fantastic.

EMR: This head drug dealer guy asks his men to contact headquarters and get them to find a new way to smuggle in the heroin. As a solution to their problem, it’s such a nonchalant request, put to them in an overly casual way. I can’t help but think this is a logistics operation like UPS or DHL and there’s a customer services department set up that specifically deals with this kind of shit:

“What’s that? Border patrol stopped the boat and took the entire shipment? Ok, well have you thought about packing the drugs in your asshole...? Not a problem, thanks for calling Drug Shipment Solutions and have a nice day.”

It’s not the request that bothers me, it’s the way that logic apparently works in this guy’s mind, like a kid who thinks that you’d buy a new dog from ‘the dog store.’

Also, I’m pretty sure that these men thought the life of a drug dealer would be like the montage from Scarface and not this black magic crap. These poor bastards are probably wondering where their lives went so wrong and when “Push It To The Limit” is gonna kick in instead of the impending “yumma-yumma-yumma-yumma-yahmma” Vampire incantation bullshit.

TEOS: So, color me ignorant in the ways of Chinese culture, but, tell me if this makes sense: At the drug stash house, two guys with Chinese faces and non-Chinese names are doing stuff with the drugs, and Ken lights incense, bows, and says "Bless our drugs." Did we learn this in world history and just completely forget about it?

EMR: I hear that this totally works and nothing bad ever happens ever if you do this. Plus, in the setup for this scene, you get two racial stereotypes for the price of one, because Ken is clumsy and nervous and speaks like a black maid circa 1890.

TEOS: That’s true. Tony, likewise, bows to the dozen vampires that are there in some sort of comatose state and says, "Thank you, vampires," so, drug dealers or not, at least they’re genial.

EMR: While Tony is busying himself with a severely undercooked chicken, Ken is dicking about and treating this whole situation like it’s a Halloween lawn display. He starts to light some lamps and Tony warns him that if he starts a fire, the vampires will wake up, but Ken disregards this advice because this is a totally reasonable time not to believe in the mythology.

TEOS: And then, don’t you know it? Ken burns his cock with the cigarette that's sticking out of a vampire's mouth and screams, and all the vampires wake up. It’s not a fire exactly, but Ken’s balls would beg to differ, so…

EMR: Ok, fair enough. Perhaps he was right not to believe that the fire would wake them up, and Tony has been an irresponsible asshole for not warning his buddy that screaming cock burn can also disturb the vampires from their slumber, but these motherfuckers need better health and safety regulations in this work place.

"...Thomas!"

TEOS: But it’s all good, yo. The dusty vampires are punched around until the aforementioned Taoist enters and takes care of shit by reapplying the binding spells to the front of the vampires' faces and they go back into their slumber thing. Then he says, "Let me take a look of those drugs." He does the dip-n-lick and determines the drugs are actually rice powder, not heroin. So now they need to figure out at what point they got fucked. (This may or may not ever be resolved.)

EMR: I’m going to say it; I didn’t understand a single fucking thing that happened in that scene… Later, main drug dealer guy goes to a meeting at the harbour with some other undisclosed drug guys who seem to be just chilling out on a boat and tells them they’re not in the “drug smuggling business” anymore, but in the “body smuggling business” (along with their chain of pet stores called ‘The Dog Shop’). I don’t know if this drastic change of direction is going to fuck up their 401K, but they don’t seem too phased by this change and go back to just standing around the boat from before and looking suspicious.

In the next scene, it’s clear that Drug Solutions PLC have come up with a revolutionary idea for smuggling drugs, because this chick is cutting open a dead cow/pig/horse/whatever, stashing the drugs inside the body of the animal, and sewing it back up. This would have been the most ingenious scene of the entire film if it hadn’t done me the disservice of ruining The Empire Strikes Back for the rest of my life.

“And I thought these drugs smelled like rice…on the outside.”

TEOS: White guys show up and, for whatever reason, act as if they're not scared of vampires, even going so far as to laugh at this whole affair. (I mean, come on. I know white people are arrogant, but, be fucking scared of vampires. They will eat you.) For added protection (and hilarity), the white dudes wear garlic around their necks (and make them look like really nonplussed tourists fresh off a seventeen-hour plane ride).

EMR: One of these white guys seems to have had a seamstress knock together an adult size jumper that looks like the one he bought his 2-year-old son for Christmas. It’s fabulously inappropriate for a black magic meet-up and casts serious aspersions over this dude’s mental state. I’m hoping he’s not developmentally disabled or anything like in that movie Jack.

In addition to the snakes in the vampire’s coffin, someone’s thrown a gerbil in there as well. I did some research and I don’t think it’s for good luck or anything. Looks pretty cute, though. For the remainder of this scene, I was mostly worrying about the gerbil.

TEOS: As the main vampire is waking up, a ghost woman crashes the party and she begins a diatribe so long-winded and complicated that at one point the Taoist slowly turns away from her and looks right into the camera as if to say, "This is fucking brutal, isn't it?"

 “Does anyone have a mouth gun?”

EMR: I’m still really fuckin’ worried about that gerbil.

TEOS: He’s fine, dude. He was adopted by a rather famous Hollywood actor…

Oh, so, turns out this vampire the Taoist was about to awaken was this chick's once-husband, so she totes takes this all kinds of personal. Her monologue about it is so long that it's actually still happening long after you'll have peaced off to bed, gotten up, gone to work, repeated this for fifty more years, retired, caught a fish, lost a fish, and then died. Plus fifty more years.

The good thing about this unending ghost monologue is that her shirt is see-through, so enjoy those tits, boys.

EMR: Originally I thought the tits would throw me off and make me miss some of the key plot points in this movie, and that was the last thing I wanted to happen. However, I can happily report that the tits are subtly displayed so as to not detract from the intensity of the drama.

At one point during Ghost Tits’ monologue, the Taoist explains that she and the Vampire guy could never have been together, because he is from the East and she is from the West. This made me think that the only way they could ever reconcile their differences in the eyes of the stuffy, autocratic society was through the medium of modern street dance like in Footloose or Save The Last Dance. As much as you and I want that to happen, it isn’t to be. The closest you’ll get is a fight scene where the Taoist’s shoes create sparks, which I’m choosing to believe is an allegory for sexual tension.


TEOS: While that is a bummer, we DID get tits and shoe sparks, after all.

The Taoist finally awakens the vampire husband (human name Peter) and commands him to fight Ghost Tits. He does, and I'm pretty sure he's wearing a gorilla mask. Lots of hopping and kung-fu happens and I swear – no bullshit – the scene concludes with one of the white guys suggesting the ghost and the vampire get married.

Hey, this movie is kind of like Big Trouble in Little China, only it's fucking terrible.

EMR: I have to concur. Watching this movie is like rubbing your face in myxomotosis.


TEOS: While trying to smuggle out some drugs, the dealers run afoul of some soldiers, who actually do a good job of taking most of them out. The Taoist calls on his army of the loyal hopping undead to assist. The vampires use mouth smoke and sleeve sparks to dispatch these soldiers with ease – one of them being Tom, that main anti-drug agent the bad guys were way worried about. (RIP Tom!)

EMR: My favourite moment of this scene was when the Taoist visibly remembers that he’s some kind of wizard in charge of a shit load of vampires. Things could have gotten awkward back there if he’d been taken into custody and then realised that he’s a master of the dark arts.

TEOS: Yeah, it’s kind of like lying on your couch and being super hungry before remembering you have that leftover quesadilla from Applebee’s in the fridge and – bonus! – you love to eat that shit cold.

EMR: Also, the fact that the head vampire with the gorilla mask can shoot fireworks from the sleeves of his robe proves that this is the least racially sensitive movie since anything produced in Berlin between 1939 and 1945.

TEOS: I especially like this next sequence, too. Let’s just say I wish all aspects of life were this fucking cut-and-dry. At the hospital, other military personnel receive the news that Tom is dead. Without missing a beat, and with nary a look of mourning, one man turns to another and says, "Since Tom is dead, I want to make use of his body to make an android-like robot."

"All right."

EMR: One of these guys, who’s apparently this other guy’s commanding officer, despite the fact that he looks about 25 years his junior, tells this other army dude that the most important thing for him to remember is “that this project needs to be carried out in the strictest confidence, so don’t you worry about the moral and philosophical implications of your actions – just make sure no one knows what’s going on because, to be frank, this idea of yours to turn Tom into a robot is nothing short of fucking insane and I’m trying to bang Stephanie from Maintenance and if she finds out about this shit, she won’t even fucking look at me again without wanting to cry.”

Not all of that is verbatim.

TEOS: I’d hope not. Who’d want to willingly bang a chick who LOOKS like a chick that works in Maintenance?

So, literally that same day, the experiment is complete and Tom has become Robo-Tom. (Welcome back, Tom!)  Off he goes, without a single fucking word spoken to him about who he is, what he's become, or what his mission is. It just immediately cuts to the next scene and he's man-handling a bunch of dudes. Looks like this whole android-like robot idea is really paying off!

EMR: I can barely cope with this turn of events.  

"We have the technology. We can rebuild him.
But I want my retarded niece to supervise."

TEOS: At an attempted nearby drug smuggle, Robo-Tom shows up and begins pumping lead into a vampire, but the blood-sucker throws in the towel and vanishes into a puff of smoke. Robo-Tom continues to fire rounds at the empty ground anyway because he’s self-destructive and a little depressed.

Meanwhile, in Unfinished Movie # 2, an anti-drug agent has been kidnapped and the hero of THIS story, Bill, is tasked with rescuing her. You'll soon agree that Unfinished Movie # 2 is boring as sin, and frankly – when compared to the completely gonzo Unfinished Movie # 1 – isn't even worth analyzing.

EMR: I thought about delving a little bit more into the plot of Unfinished Movie # 2, but then I realised that I was transmogrifying into a Kafka-esque nightmare that my family and friends no longer recognise.

I can’t even make heads or tails of this bullshit, so I’ll just say what I see. These henchmen start shooting up a church (seriously, don’t even ask me how this came to be because it’s literally happening right now, as I’m writing. I’ve got the movie in front of me and it’s worse than a Motley Crue video) and there’s this nun who’s apparently a DEA agent in disguise or something. She’s immediately overpowered and threatened with unrequested drug dealer dick. Whilst being given a dose of exposition by the henchmen, this chick looks like she’s coping with the intensity of the situation by pretending to shower. Some other shit happens. It’s fucking stupid.

TEOS: Don’t worry, because we’re back in Unfinished Movie # 1, where Robo-Tom clomps his big stupid metal feet around a beach and then fights some vampires. Then the drug dealers blow him the fuck up with a rocket launcher. Seriously, if your eyes work, first you'll see a pile of metal eviscerated by an explosion, but then after a quick cut, he's merely on fire. And then after another quick cut, Robo-Tom is suddenly, befuddlingly, back in the lab being worked on by his scientist creators because he's pretty dead. (RIP Tom!) I'm not sure how he even got there, but the point is: Nothing can keep Robo-Tom down.

EMR: The fuck is this shit? Has he been built by the People’s Army Of Dumb Fuck Island? Is that even a place? I doubt that’s even a place. I don’t know. Look, basically he’s a shit cyborg. One of the scientists rebuilding Robo-Tom says that the damage isn’t that serious, but being on fire and exploding is pretty fucking serious. Imagine if your microwave oven did the same thing.

“Oh my fuck! The kitchen’s on fire!”

“Yeah, it’s cool. I just need to change the fuse.”


TEOS: Well, the good news is fixing Robo-Tom is just as easy as fixing a microwave. They tinker with him a bit and then he's good to go and back out in the field. (Welcome back, Tom!)

But then we end up back in Unfinished Movie # 2, and I gotta say, man, I just don't fucking care about anything going on here. The attempt to make something "serious" with this movie is so badly juxtaposed against the other completely insane story that these random diversions feel like hitting a brick wall. Knowing there are robot cops and hopping vampires in the other reel makes sitting through these portions feel like Chinese water torture, which, ironically, is actually a plot device utilized in Unfinished Movie # 2. It’s a pity it didn’t know it could have used itself as torture.

EMR: Yeah, the water torture scene is pretty brutal, if only because the henchman who’s in charge of administering the torture tells the woman being tortured that soon she’ll be begging them to finish her off, which, for an instant, made me think that maybe there was an unfinished soft-core porn movie being mashed in with these other two movies as well. Some of those DEA agents from a while ago are going to try and save her, but I really don’t give a fuck, because it’s like this shit’s happening on a different channel entirely.

TEOS: You might’ve been on the right track re: porn. We’re back to Unfinished Movie # 1/Robo-Tom, and I actually hear porn music…

EMR: Oh, ok! Maybe there IS another unfinished movie coming into play, here…

“Come in me, bro.”

TEOS: Ghost Tits seductively beckons to Peter, her gorilla-faced vampire husband, to come take her in the throes of passion. And he does.

EMR: Awwhhh shiiiiit…I say that, but this scene’s as sexually appealing to me as smashing bowling balls into buckets of medical waste.

TEOS: That is until Robo-Tom shows up to totally cock-block Peter.

EMR: That motherFUCKER! It’s inexcusable, cybernetic organism or not. However, it does add some credence to my theory that all cock blockers are designed and built in a government lab…but fuck this movie. How DARE it try and teach me things.

TEOS: At this point, there is absolutely nothing in Robo Vampire that makes any sense, because the ghost begs Robo-Tom to let their sex happen before he kills them so their love may be consummated. Robo-Tom, having a flashback to his pre-robot days (and good luck being able to see a single fucking thing during this too-dark sequence) when HE almost had sex but then didn't, declines that request.

EMR: This is…just…so bad.

TEOS: I know. And to make matters worse…we're back to Unfinished Movie # 2 again. (Fast-forward!)

EMR: Yeah, I’m not even going to try and pass comment on Unfinished Movie # 2. I honestly tried to make sense of this turd, but an error message flashed up on my monitor suggesting that a more profitable use of my time would be for me to kill my wife and cut off my own penis, so I thought it best not to continue watching it.

TEOS: I’d watch that if that were a movie. Is that weird?

Whoa, Unfinished Movie # 1 is getting pretty hardcore. The drug dealers are pleading to “get rid of that robo warrior!"

EMR: It’s a valiant effort to get this fucking thing back on track, I have to admit.


Terror.

TEOS: "Drop your weapons in fifteen seconds!" Robo-Tom, who is suddenly there, oddly demands to the drug dealers. He then begins counting down from fifteen (kind of a generous amount of time to allow them to comply). Thankfully no one complies and Robo-Tom shoots them all with his perpetually loaded shotgun. The vampires come out in full force, ready to smack him around and up to the tops of buildings, but Robo-Tom dispatches all of them and then chases down Peter into the heart of the city, where their final confrontation unfolds on the brightly lit streets of China City.

EMR: The lead-in to this scene starts with a tasteful close-up of Robo-Tom’s dick.

TEOS: Well, he needs that when nailing the maid from The Jetsons.

So, I think we’re coming to the end here. Robo-Tom chases Peter over a bridge; Peter hops awkwardly away from him as Robo-Tom follows slowly behind, his awful "loud metal" footsteps sounding more like Keds against a kickball. And in the confrontation no one was waiting for, the ghost woman and the Taoist end up duking it out. Tits happen, along with some blood, and then she claws his face, which kills him.

EMR: That’s actually the second time in this movie that a female character chooses to end a villain’s life by scratching his face. If it happens more than once, then it’s science, right?

TEOS: I’m pretty sure that’s the rule.

Robo-Tom and Peter end up back in a den of other vampires and Robo-Tom literally begins kicking them until they spit out chop suey and expire. Other vampires start hopping around him in circles and laughing in vampire glee, but then he just kills them all, because he's a robot and they're not. Then he sets Peter on fire and he totally wins.

EMR: Robo-Tom stands amidst the carnage for a moment, silently and awkwardly considering the full gravitas of the bullshit of which he has been a part. Then the title card kicks in and you immediately feel like you’ve wasted a thousand years of your life.

This movie is worse than your own mother telling you that she doesn’t love you anymore. There are Christian Aid workers who would kill themselves even if they were watching this movie from behind a protective shield, in another country, in the past. This film throws up more unanswered questions than the Kennedy assassination and makes as much sense as an eggplant with a dick. Basically, it kind of upset me.

TEOS: If it makes you feel any better, the gerbil sends his regards.