July 18, 2014

SAMURAI COP


Exploitation Movie Review (EMR): Little to nothing is written about the production of Samurai Cop; or, at least, nothing that I could find on the first two pages of my Google search. There are literally tens of words written about this demonically bad piece of shit, but none of them come close to the almighty fucking drubbing it's about to receive here.

I want to start by apologising to you, man. 

The End Of Summer (TEOS): I’m used to it.

EMR: Ok, so this movie starts how all ‘80s movies should probably start: with a theme song lifted straight from its Commodore 64 movie tie-in game loading screen, and boy, does this motherfucker want to be Giorgio Moroder.

TEOS: Who doesn’t?

EMR: The Chinese guy with the six shooters from Big Trouble In Little China goes straight for the throat and explains that his gang isn't established yet, while Robert Z'Dar's chin justifies anamorphic widescreen and some red-headed broad with pretty decent looking tits preens her hair and looks sultry in the background. It's difficult to know exactly what's going on because I'm caught off-guard by how racist this thing is. The plot is being communicated to me exclusively in grunts and growls. Some shit about a fight or something.

TEOS: Wow, you’re already onto the plot? I’m still haunted by that fucking opening credit sequence, which was longer than Dennis Rodman standing on top of Kim Jong Un standing on top of 37 nukes that will never propel. I’m actually a little winded from all the unending Woody Allen white-font-on-black-background + Nintendo music.

Go on, I’ll catch up.

EMR: Ha! Robert Z'Dar (is Maniac Cop easier to type? Yeah, it's easier. From now on, he's Maniac Cop) has a 'Japanese Voice' for his meetings with rival gangs. That's...some sort of joke about a Batman voice. I don't know. I'll work on it. Maybe. I'm pretty forgetful.

One of these rival gang members sounds like a robot when he speaks, so he MUST be a robot, because surely that's an audio fuck-up you have to try really hard to make. Let’s hope this is an extra dimension to the story. (Spoiler: It's not).

TEOS: I’m actually a little tickled by this blink-and-miss-it cutaway that would have been Maniac Cop’s first line in the entire film; now, instead, it’s a brief shot of him pursing his lips and moving his watermelon head back to the landing position after having gotten done saying something most likely mentally stunted.

EMR: Our hero, Joe Samurai, looks like he's wearing one of those novelty caps that comes with a wig fitted to it. I used to know a guy who owned one with a ponytail coming out the back. It was pretty funny.

TEOS: I guess the Japanese Collective is done their meeting because Nemesis to Jack Burton and Maniac Cop do a non-exploding fist bump and then decide to meet for a couple Redds Apple Ales at the local TGIFridays because they are just total douchebags.

"Savanah's working tonight. Free pepper shooters."

EMR: I'm going to call this helicopter chick 'Officer Pleather Locklear.'

TEOS: Nice one.

So, I’m around 4:05 in and this is seriously one of the best/worst/most awful/painful/exasperating/giddying things I’ve ever seen. I mean...it just wastes no time whatsoever. From what I can gather, Maniac Cop just tried to broker some kind of deal with some other Japanese Crime Figure of Ill Repute, was denied, and then stabbed him in the stomach. That’s kind of a strange technique for who I assume is an assassin - stabbing an old man in the stomach - but, have you seen the tie Z’Dar is wearing in this scene? Hilarious.

EMR: This dialogue is more awkward than the Nuremberg defense.

TEOS: And you were right about that weird novelty store wig. That’s not just a bad wig, and not just a bad woman’s wig, that’s a bad woman’s wig on a bad actor surrounded by a bad bad bad bad film. The film Samurai Cop.

“Nah, man, I found this shit in a dumpster”

TEOS: Oh, and, turns out those dudes Z’Dar killed were Chinese, not Japanese. I’d apologize, but, I’m American, and we don’t apologize for our ignorance of all those other miscellaneous cultures (i.e., Not American).

EMR: The soundtrack, by the way, couldn't make me feel any more ‘80s if I were being gang raped by Yazoo while Simon Le Bon fired hairspray straight into my eyes.

TEOS: During some sort of exchanging-of-the-ill-gotten-goods, I am struck by the awful condition of the briefcases being handed back and forth, which I assume contain a bevy of both cash money and, since this is the ‘80s, really amazing cocaine. I know it sounds like kind of a trite detail to go after, but in these kinds of films that actually have funding, the briefcases are always so nice, bright, glinty, and the cash and/or drugs fit perfectly. But these guys are using Grandma’s only luggage sets and a gym bag they found at the bus station. It somehow feels entirely appropriate for Samurai Cop: they couldn't even afford new briefcases.

EMR: The most underwhelming car-chase in the world just got better with the addition of Officer Joe Samurai's Marshall Applewhite face and a traffic accident that even Matthew Broderick could have probably avoided. Probably.

TEOS: Holy shit! Did you notice Joe’s back tire was fucking FLAT during the lead-up to the crash? Holy shit! It doesn’t even have anything to do with the crash! They’re not even setting it up to be a catalyst or anything! It’s just FLAT because these filmmakers had ZERO MONEY FOR THEIR FILM. I AM IN AWE, IT’S WHY I AM USING THE SHOUT LETTERS.


EMR: Actually, this car chase has made me think that Samurai Cop would transfer well to an arcade game, but only if that arcade game reeked of vomit, randomly tried to grab your balls, and called your mother a whore every six minutes or so.

TEOS: I find it really amusing that Joe and his partner were pretty intent on shooting all these guys to death with grins on their faces, but the minute one of them caught fire, they got really concerned and put him out as quickly as they could. I could think of worse things than burning to death, though.

Like, Samurai Cop.

EMR: Zing!

TEOS: If one were to have alcohol in the vicinity of this film, and wanted to become morally and mechanically subdued by said alcohol, one might suggest taking a shot every time Joe Samurai awkwardly says, “Shoot him!” with very little alarm and ducked down just a little bit in his seat. I’m pretty sure this is how Seal Team Six shot the big guy in the face, all while wearing hilariously bad “Old-Chief-Woodenhead”-from-Creepshow-2 hair.

Oh shit, now it’s sexy time!

EMR: I've read some harsh words on the Internet about the audio mix in this movie, but I'll argue that overdubbing the sound of two pigs enthusiastically eating spaghetti is the perfect substitute for two human beings actually kissing any day of the fucking week. 

TEOS: It’s no worse than the audio found in five of Shout Factory’s last blu-ray releases. Nerd slam!

EMR: I'm trying to enjoy the tits in this scene, but, just like seeing the face that belongs to the dick in porn, seeing Joe Samurai man-handle and interfere with Pleather Locklear's ass like a boy-hungry priest at choir practice is only making me angry.

TEOS: That sex scene went on so long that I actually began to yearn for some Robert Z’Dar. What a strange thing I just said.

“Look, Mom, I’m in a movie!”

TEOS: Wow, so, turns out the LAPD recruited Joe Samurai, who studied martial arts in Japan, to use his skills to thwart the Yakuza. That’s so plainly and non-controversially logical that I’m actually a little pissed off. But it’s whatevs now, because Maniac Cop is onto Joe Samurai’s real identity, and I guess he’s going to go crack his skull open with his iron jaw or something.

EMR: 'I'll get to know him,' Maniac Cop whispers to Fujiyama, seductively, 'and then we'll see who's the real Samurai.’

Wait, is this...is he going to date him or something? Is this turning into 'Bucking Broncos 7: Raw Hide Ranch Shower Party'? I'm finished with this RIGHT NOW if that's the case. I don't want to see Maniac Cop nuzzling the nape of Joe Samurai's neck and the two of them running their disgusting fucking gorilla fingers all over each other's assholes.

TEOS: Our “hero” just totally mocked Japanese culture twice in one sentence, calling their main target "Omaha, Yamaha, whatever his face." I’ve never been more proud to be an American.

We’re at the hospital now, where Joe and his partner, Black Guy, run into a random officer who is so excited to offer up his only line of dialogue that he forgets to look like he has a pulse. Then they go into the room of that dude who was set on fire and run in Lindsey Lohan, the train-wreck version, playing the nurse.





EMR: What the fuck is going on now? Are there no professionals left in the support services? Is this normal procedure? Is this why you guys stateside don’t lose your fucking minds when it comes to having to pay for your medical treatment?

TEOS: I actually have no idea who pays for our medical treatments. Is it...you? It’s certainly not me.

I realize that I'm actually a little in awe at how bad of an actor the guy playing Joe is. Seriously, if his performance skills had an equitable smell, it would be “stretched-open asshole.” I both love you and hate you for making me watch this fucking thing.

EMR: Fuijyama has sent Maniac Cop and Redheaded Chick to permanently silence the survivor of the burning auto-wreck and...

Well...this is quickly turning into the sort of thing clowns jerk off to.

TEOS: Oh, crap. Didn’t Joe Samurai and Black Guy say that the burned man was really important to the case? I don’t think that was communicated to Maniac Cop. 

Rest in piece, burned man.

It then becomes a sort of mad-dash as Maniac Cop and Redheaded Woman attempt to flee the hospital with this dude’s cut-off head in a bag. Z’Dar actually looks pretty nervous in this scene, and I’m theorizing that the director wanted his audience to think, “Oh no, they might get caught!”

But then four dudes in a row yell, “Hey, wait a minute!” in suspiciously identical-sounding fake-Japanese voices, and all of them get kicked directly in the face for their troubles.

EMR: Preeeetty sure one of the white police officers is being dubbed by a black guy. Presumably, this made as little sense to Robert Z’Dar as it did to me and this is why he got kicked in the face.

TEOS: Kudos to Joe and Black Guy’s captain, who fucks up his dialogue three times in one take without getting rattled, all the while looking like Gene Hackman circa Hoosiers.

“I’ve seen you guys can shoot, but there’s more to the game than
shooting. There’s looking like a horse managed to stumble its way inside a
chemotherapy wig and being more wooden than the 2x4 Mark Wahlberg
used to blind a guy.”

EMR: There’s some talk going on back at police HQ about Japan and Japanese culture and I can’t believe this fucking movie honestly believes it can teach me something.

Yeah, 'Katana' means 'Japanese sword' in the same way that 'McDonalds' means 'Reconstituted Screaming Cow Paste.’ 

Asshole.

TEOS: I kinda hope the Japanese watched this film, saw Joe, and learned that America is fucking loathsome.

EMR: At the Blue Lagoon restaurant, Fujiyama, the guy whose name Joe Samurai can't pronounce despite being 'fluent' in Japanese, is having a business meeting with what I'm assuming is a scumbag lawyer and the rest of his gang. Fujiyama also has a 'business voice,' because he's talking to some chick in a blue dress like a regular guy and it isn't until Joe and his partner walk in that he starts talking like every racist stereotype under the sun.


EMR: Ha! Wow, this is getting pretty fucking intense! I don't know who wrote this (I could rewind or look it up, but it's so bad that it might as well have been David S. Goyer), but whoever it was must have genuinely thought that only having a cursory knowledge of any given genre was enough to write a screenplay. So, yeah, it probably was David S. Goyer.

TEOS: Fuck you, he directed Blade: The One Where DRACULA Is The Villain.

EMR: Sure, but he also wrote and/or directed Genre Idiot: The Mystifying And Infuriating Story Of David S. Goyer's Continued Success.

Ok, I see the homosexual community are being treated with the same level of respect in this movie as the East Asian community. That's good to know. This is kind of a two-for-one, because it's insulting to the Latino community, too.

TEOS: You know, I was going to make a "gay Asian Roy Orbison" joke, but then I thought, “That’s TOO offensive.” 

Then I realized Samurai Cop already made that joke. And now we’re all caught up.

EMR: And the African-American community, now. Ok, cool, we almost got a full set. Just the disabled and the transgendered left.

TEOS: I really enjoyed the scene where Joe and Black Guy leave the restaurant and Z’Dar sends a bunch of his pawns after him and is then subsequently impressed/infuriated/emasculated by what I assume is supposed to be Joe’s amazing “Oriental” fighting techniques, but which to me looks like a guy in a bad wig doing basic defensive maneuvers he probably learned off an anti-rape subway poster. This scene ends amazingly, though: a random henchman attacks Joe, who has apparently had enough and slices off the henchman’s fucking arm with a sword, and EVERYONE looks entirely disturbed by what’s happened. I’m tempted to think the director is borrowing from Craven’s post-rape scene from Last House where Krug et. al look entirely disgusted with what they have just done.

To play it safe, I’ll just liken it to shoddy filmmaking.

“It’s ok. Robert Z’Dar’s packing a machine gun. He’ll protect me
fromHOLYFUCKINGSHITMYFUCKINGARMWHY?!WHY?!WHY?!!!!”

TEOS: Speaking of, Joe’s partner, Black Guy, is hands down my favorite character in this monstrosity. He just looks like he’s having so much fun that it’s almost infectious. Look at him! Just smiling and mugging for the camera! Someone get him a bad He-Man wig and make him the lead; it’s not too late!

EMR: Joe and Frank's captain– 

TEOS: Oh, Black Guy has a name? Oops...

EMR: *sigh* C'mon, man – is fast becoming one of my favourite movie characters of any film I’ve ever seen ever. This movie should be about their captain angrily banging all the chicks that are contractually obliged to find Joe Samurai attractive, pouring whiskey on their tits from the bottle, and shouting, “I dare you to fuck me!”

Fujiyama is talking about 'The Destruction Business.’ This sounds lucrative. That's it, I've decided: me and you, man...we're getting involved in 'The Destruction Business.' But only if it’s an ‘80s style action flick.

TEOS: Agreed, and only if said ‘80s action flick is modeled not just on Commando and not just on Invasion U.S.A., but BOTH OF THEM.

All right, so, I feel the way about this movie the same way I feel about my ex-girlfriend. I love it, but at the same time, I want to purposely order awful awful Pizza Hut and consume the whole fucking box just so I can become dangerously ill, violate the toilet, and then shove its face in the horridness that my body has evacuated.

EMR: ...the fuck's wrong with you? *STAY TUNED FOR MORE 'EX-GIRLFRIEND' JOKES!!!*

Shit, I thought that was a mirror, but it's just a lion’s head on the wall. I was tipped off to it when Joe left the room and what I thought was a reflection was still there.

TEOS: Oh my god, this scene:

"You taste like soy sauce. Is that racist?"

TEOS: I haven’t been this fucking infuriated and disgusted since the last time I called Comcast customer service.

EMR: I know what you're thinking: is there anything more erotic than a Chinese guy (playing a Japanese guy) in his underwear bartering with a prostitute and then making out with her while sounding like a grass snake with respiratory problems? The answer is yes. Catching your mother masturbating is more erotic than this.

Is it possible to vomit out of your eyes?

TEOS: Your “more erotic” example has stunned me to the point I don’t want to speak for a little.

EMR: You think that’s bad? Try actually finding that imagery erotic. Compared to this shit I’m witnessing...fuck.

TEOS: I’m wondering how offended the Asian members of this cast must’ve been once the movie was completed, and all of these awful generic whooping and hollering noises were added in very stereotypical voices to complement the fight scenes. Then again, they likely had to know what they were getting into when their payment for their work came in the form of director blowjobs.

Amusingly, this one main bad Asian guy challenges Joe to some sort of Asian-off, and Joe seems perfectly willing to go along with it, but after a while he seems to grow bored of the whole affair and shoots the fucking guy in the chest. “Well, this one’s dead, too - and NOT captured alive!” he says as I want to destroy the world entire.

EMR: Look, I know Joe Samurai is the protagonist of the piece, but shit, man, I really wanted him to get his fucking ass kicked here. Joe Samurai is such an empty-headed dip-shit of a man, hobos could use his brain cavity to fuck each other in it. Joe Samurai is what rapists think about when their victims cry. Joe Samurai is so wooden, New Orleans sourced him to act as a survival raft after Hurricane Katrina and then blamed him for being stupid enough to get wet. I HATE you, Joe Samurai.

TEOS: I’ll admit upfront I don’t know dick about this movie and I don’t know anything about the guy who plays Joe, but he’s such an absurdly bad performer that I’d be tempted to say maybe they just cast some semi-famous martial artist, as filmmakers sometimes do and who are totally fine with sacrificing thespianic abilities for cool on-screen fighting techniques (see Cynthia Rothrock). Only, Joe has exhibited not a single fucking thing that even tickles at the notion of him knowing shit about shit. I guess he’s just a model, which is based on nothing more than the perpetual looks of utter blankness awash across his face at all times. Which reminds me, once they remake this, they should definitely cast Bobby Canavale.

EMR: Ha!

Fujiyama has a whistle in his nose for this entire scene. Can he not HEAR that?! That's almost as annoying as that stray hair I spotted on Inspector Ling's neck in The Killer. It's a fucking MASSIVE hair, for serious. Keep an eye out for it next time you're watching that movie.

Maniac Cop wants to have Joe and Frank and Pleather and almost every other fucking character in this movie killed, so he suggests using an ‘outside source’ to divert the police’s attention from him and Fujiyama.

TEOS: I hope this "outside source" is just poison or something, preferably in the form of radioactive Dayglo tanning oil someone scraped off John Boehner. 

EMR: This was Maniac Cop's 'outside source'? Black guys? Is this movie TRYING to piss everyone off?

TEOS: Probably, seeing as how, once again, they dubbed the one black guy to make him sound “blacker.” 

This is terrible. I want what the cover art for the other DVD release promised me:



I want some random uniformed officer from LA to lose his mind and start decapping fools with his samurai sword that he, I dunno, inherited from his Asian grandfather or whatever. And I suppose if I were being less demanding, what the current DVD cover promises: Gary Oldman lost in the dark with a sword.

EMR: Wait, what? I mean, yeah, cool, I'm finally getting a look at that redheaded girl's tits, but once again, it's coming at the expense of having to watch a man so monstrous that when he was born, the KNB effects group won an Academy Award for best prosthetic make-up design without having to lift a finger.

By the way, this sex scene is overdubbed with the sensual sounds of Jeffrey Dahmer aggressively removing someone's liver through their asshole. Available wherever CDs are sold.

Make love...
...the Z’Dar way.

TEOS: Dear god...I’ve...just witnessed a love scene with Robert Z’Dar.

I…

I…

Hey, when that chick touched his jaw, do you think she shattered every one of her finger bones? I'd like to think so.

EMR: I'm not so sure, man. I think it's just night terrors and self-harm for this girl from now on. And for me.

TEOS: Of all the people I’ve ever seen in a Speedo, Robert Z’Dar sure is one of them. :(

EMR: So, Joe’s gone to harass this fucking girl outside her church like he promised he would when he was by that lion’s head in her office, and in doing so, is giving us a crash course in the sexual mechanics of men in the ‘80s: make fun of a girl's belief system and once you’ve got her back to your place, imply that you've stolen your neighbor's cat and murdered it. You'll be swatting pussy away with Katana before you know it. 

Meanwhile, Fujiyama’s had enough of Joe and Frank’s ‘interference’ and has sent Maniac Cop and his gang of dickheads to finish them off for good.

"Happy BIRTHDAY, Sarah!"

EMR: First up on Maniac Cop’s shitlist is that uniformed cop from about an hour ago who Pleather Locklear offered sex for, like, no reason. Wait, did that guy just kiss his fucking bicep?

This arrangement seems strange. Now, I'm not usually one to question the logic of a man whose face is so malformed that even Rocky Dennis' girlfriend wouldn't fuck him, but if he's got Frank's address (which he has) and Frank is Joe's partner (which he is), why in the name of hell wouldn't you go to him first, rather than some asshole who we haven't even seen in the same room as Joe for more than 20 seconds?

TEOS: Yeah, I haven’t been this unconcerned for bit players whose roles in the film I could barely remember since Lethal Weapon 2 (starring Breaking Bad’s Dean Norris as Man Blown Up By Stereo Bomb!).

EMR: Y'know, he's one of the SWAT guys who storms the Cyberdyne building in Terminator 2. I'm not the only one to have noticed that, am I? He’s Tony in Total Recall as well! Well, shit me, I always thought Dean Norris just had the misfortune of looking like Tony from Total Recall. Turns out he really is Tony from Total Recall. Huh! Tough break... 

TEOS: ...ing Bad!

?

EMR: So, anyway, two guys have been sent to get information out of Frank and they’re gayer than Mr. Windt and Mr. Kidd from Diamonds Are Forever and I'm pretty sure we saw those two fucking. Frank gets the drop on them in an unspectacular fashion: He pretty much just murders one of them. The pacing in this movie is all fucked up.

TEOS: This movie is REALLY going out of its way to convince us Joe’s hair is real. Listen, Samurai Cop - we ALL saw Morrie jump into the pool in Goodfellas and we ALL saw the jumpcut. We didn’t buy it then, and we’re not buying it now.

EMR: Joe's getting his bang on with Jennifer, despite not ever having anything even remotely resembling a meaningful conversation with her, while Frank, Fuck Cop, Fuck Cop's wife, and Pleather Locklear are being threatened, scalded, cut to pieces and assaulted with severed chimp dicks or whatever.

The simple fact of the matter is that if Joe Samurai were any more irresponsible, he'd let an orphanage catch fire and burn to the ground if it meant he didn't have to justify not having worn a jacket in the middle of November.

Oh, great. Now I get to see him fucking a chick with tits smaller than his. Fuck me, he looks like a fence that's too stupid to fall down.

The only thing more horrifying than a clown on your birthday is this:
sweaty rutting with a man who looks like Conan The Barbarian's dick.

EMR: The sound effect of them kissing is really getting on my fucking nerves. It sounds like a dog cleaning its balls and somehow manages to be less arousing. That's not even apocryphal. I have empirical evidence.

TEOS: I must confess, I found this scene so utterly sexy that a generous part of me filled up the nearest tube sock.

Just kidding. I haven’t felt this awkward since that one time I unknowingly made a “your mom!” joke to someone whose mother had actually died.

EMR: So, one afternoon of disappointing sex with a man who makes turning up to the emergency ward with a bottle of poppers jammed in your ass look straight, and a death-defying escape from a house that looks like Jan Hammer got high with the set designer from 'Moonlighting' and wrote the theme song for Miami Vice inside it, and you get to act like a bitch? Is this even a reasonable reaction to have at this juncture? I've seen better character development in Saddam Hussein's execution video.

Oh, shit. Fujiyama looks pissed and I don't blame him. So far, he's actually been pretty good to this chick. I feel bad for him, in all honesty. The narrative in this piece of shit should be put on trial for war crimes.

TEOS: After a scene of black-on-black crime, in which Frank shoots a guy who I’m pretty sure was undergoing periodic facial surgery to more closely resemble Grand L. Bush in Die Hard, and then another scene of the same, but against a man more closely trying to resemble Black Maria from The Texas Chain Saw Massacre, Joe shoots a guy desperate to look like Bill Duke in Commando while Frank shoots a guy who looks like the love child of Nick Cave and Wes Anderson, THEN shoots a guy whose face screams “I’m Harry Connick, Jr.; check out my bad teeth,” and finally, with all likelihood, goes on to shoot someone who looks nothing like Joe Pesci.


EMR: The goons at Fujiyama's place are as convincing in their death scenes as I was at caring about my ex's sexual needs. Also, I want to know if there’s a medical journal or something that tells me once and for all if fat people ACTUALLY take longer to die from a small gun shot, but take the same amount of time as a thin person to die from a big gun shot. Maybe I’m just gullible, but I have to take the ‘80s seriously, man. That’s where AIDS comes from.

TEOS: Hahaha.

EMR: Fujiyama tries to bargain for his freedom by holding a gun to Jennifer's head and delivers probably the most sincere line of the entire movie when he calls Joe and Frank idiots for putting down their guns. Frank gets gut-fucked by Fujiyama, who then takes his time in trying to shoot Joe. Jennifer steps in a little too late for my liking and manages to buy Joe some time to shoot Fujiyama.

TEOS: Even though it wouldn't make much of a difference, since there’s only eight minutes left, but I thought Frank was dead for a second and was literally about to turn this shit the fuck off and try to repeatedly complain to YouTube until I got back my $2.14 for this nonsense.

EMR: More fucking loud kissing. For a film that only has one boom mic operator, he's sure committed to making sure you hear every scratch of tongue on teeth and every wet linguine smack of the lips. It's disgusting.

TEOS: You know, considering Joe trained in Japan and is nicknamed “Samurai,” he suspiciously loves to use his gun as a fucking crutch fucking all the time. This movie should have been called Gun Guy.

EMR: I prefer Gun


erm…

Prick

TEOS: Well, it’s finally happening: Maniac Cop vs. Samurai Cop. They each have a katana and are duking it out. Even MY very limited knowledge of the samurai has me calling bullshit on this scene, since the samurai didn’t fucking sword fight like The Three Musketeers, but instead went right for the flesh slash. If their swords even touched, I’m pretty sure that was the most shameful thing that could happen and they’d have to cut their own fucking feet off.

But, this IS a movie in which Robert Z’Dar has both a main role AND a sex scene, so, I’ll just shut the fuck up.

EMR: There's nothing I can say that will make this katana fight less embarrassing.

TEOS: Okay, I’m sorry - you fucking heard that, right? In the scene where Joe grabs Maniac Cop in the headlock? You heard Joe snap Z’Dar’s fucking neck, right? So why in the name of Joe Biden is Z’Dar still alive, talking, and most of all, moving his very mobile neck around?

EMR: It’s the jaw. It’s always the jaw. I think it’s only so big because it’s merged with his neck to form a supergroup.

TEOS: Z’Dar has it in his head that even though he wore a Speedo, decapitated a near-comatose man in a hospital bed, and tortured a girl by pouring boiling grease on her stomach, he can still die with honor, so he fucks himself in the stomach with what looks like an old fishing knife. Hey, whatever - he was in Tango & Cash, so he gets lifetime pass from me.

“You broke THAT jaw?”

EMR: Ok, so the film ends with Joe Samurai necking with the blonde chick on the beach and some waves crashing against the rocks. It’s poignant. Like the ending to No Country For Old Men. Except I’m angry and feel like this experience would have been less painful if someone had just shoved the DVD up my ass and stabbed me in the eyes with a frozen turd.

TEOS:

Dean Norris was ALSO that higher-up in Starship Troopers who got all pissed off at Johnny Rico.

2 comments:

  1. This is my type of film.....brilliant review

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    Replies
    1. Thanks friend! Our torture is your pleasure!

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